⚠️ Hi there, just a quick warning this is gonna be an emetophobia nightmare (I do also quickly mention eating disorder, to clarify that this is not that). So, if you don't like talking about food coming back up, this is not the venting post for you!
(Also, if you have any ideas they'd be appreciated, but for the main part this is just me ranting and venting)
So... This sucks. Ever since April I haven't been able to have a meal or snack without feeling like I've eaten ten of them, and eventually that either leads to me gagging or throwing up. And for the past two or three weeks it's been getting worse. I've only been able to eat breakfast, and even then it's a small bowl of cereal or two slices of bread that make me feel sick to my stomach the rest of the day. And god forbid I have more than one meal or a snack at any point afterwards, or it will be coming up until nothing does. And it doesn't matter what I eat. Like I said, bread makes me feel like I've eaten the whole loaf and then some.
And I don't have an ED. I've always been a foodie with a healthy appetite (though I could be better in my diet, I do try). And sharing/ having meals or snacks with people has been a huge love language for me, and I miss eating so bad. The past two nights my folks have made my favorite dinners and I almost cried when I saw my dad's famous baked chicken paired with green beans and Mac n cheese last night, cause the night before I beared it when they made pasta for dinner and I sorely regretted it. Instead I had two tums, because I had major acid reflux, and next thing I knew what I hurled up was fruity flavored tums pink.
This hasn't been a problem since I first started getting POTS symptoms in college and were climbing stairs that spiked my HR to 180+ on the daily, and that was a year ago. And it's been worse than it had been back then; even though I'm on meds, drinking more water, eating more salt, and wearing compression socks.
The only thing I can think of that's doing this are the meds. I'm on Diltiazem, which I've been told is NOT a normal medication for POTS. Also, ever since late February it hasn't been working as well as it has been, and my cardiologist has recommended taking it three times a day instead of the original two (I do have a second opinion appointment at a different place scheduled in June, but that is a month away). But the one flaw in that theory is that I've been taking it three times a day for a while now, why is this just happening now???
I'm so frustrated at this. I just want to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up, or having the back of my throat feel like it's burning because I've been hurling or having acid reflux or feeling like I've had three gigantic bowls of cesar salad even though I barely had a quarter of the regular sized bowl in front of me. And I'm scared, too. Because my folks want to go on vacation to the beach and fuck do I love Carolina barbecue and hush puppies and the food we get when we go down there. And my grandma's noticed that my appetite is practically gone, and she's worried about me and I hate that. I hate it when people worry about me, because I feel like they should use that worry on themselves, or not feel it at all because they deserve to be the happiest people on the planet and not worry. And fuck, it just hit me that my grandma and I always share dessert when we all go out to eat as a family and I'm not gonna be able to do that.
Ive messaged my PCP this morning, they said to schedule a follow up appointment. But I'm so tired of things being "okay" and then my health suddenly drops or symptoms increase. I've lost so much to POTS. I had to drop out of college, I've had to cook and do dishes in my desk chair cause I can't stand for that long, and now I'm losing my appetite and I can't help but be frustrated and cry. I just want all this to be over, but I know it can't be and that hurts even more. What the fuck did I do in life to deserve any of this shit