My big secret
I have this huge secret that I have never told soul and it is one of the things that makes me feel humiliation but also feel really sorry for myself.
-SELF HARM
Covid hit
When covid hit in 2020 my 10th completed and I entered my 11th which is called intermediate here and me listening to my parents and being a goody two shoes chose the medicine which was fine because i didnt know what i was doing with my life anyways.
Let's first see how my life was before covid and before my 11th.
I used to go tp tutoring since like really early age. And most of the I had a little free time. But that was before in 8th. During that period i joined a new tutoring class and it was really hectic. Used to wake up at 5 in the morning for the tutoring classes, tgen head to school, then come back home for a 30-40 min break and go back to my tutor, come back home at 8 in the night, eat do my homeworks and sleep. So basically from my 8th standard to 10th standard I had no free time even on the weekends.
So home became a place where I would even lay a finger on a book or study anything.
Now going back to me being in 11th, we had online classes and me being my relaxed self at home didnt attend the classes properly or didnt study at all. At the begenning it was fun and games but the more I got used to it the more worse it became for me.
So when i didnt attend the classes my college used to call to ask why I didnt attent thr classes and i coulf just say i was not feeling well or had a important thing outside. But how many more excuses can make? Mind you the college I attended is known for making their students study like hell and used to keep tests every single week and would call out everyonr who scored less. I skipped attending classes for long time and the calls kept coming everyday and I really used to anxious about it everyday. It became worse for my mental health in a way that i used cry myself to sleep every night and pray to revert time so I could have attended those classes. Then I stopped lifting those calls completely and i blocked the numbers as well.
When i didnt lift they would call my parents and my mom used to ask me why I wasn't attending and just say some excuse(my mom didn't care much). They kept calling her everyday as well so i blocked the numbers in her phone as well. I started becoming anxious and strated having like panic attacks( I don't wanna self diagnose but I felt my heart pounding really bad, my mind going into turmoil and start sweating like crazy, at those momemts all i could think was it would have been easier if i wasn't here at all). I used to hide mine and my moms phone after everyone slept. Then in the morning when they coouldnt find their phone I would act like I found it for them. We used to have monthly parent teacher meetings and everytime we had one I felt like I was dying. Again used to sweat profusely, heart pounding like crazy and couldnt think straight. I used to avoid wrting those tests as well but couldnt avoid that as well cause of their calls. This continued till my 12th.
Here comes the part where I felt like I came to an end and thought there was no way out of this for me. Since childhood whenever I had tests and think I woukd do bad at them I used to imagine me being hurt or being hospitalized just so I coulf avoid the test. That took a worse turn during this time. My anxiety grew to its peaks and tried to hurt myself thinking I could just fall now and everything would be fine. But I didn't end up hurting self much. I used to bang my head hard on the wall hoping to faint. But I did stop.
Thankfully I didn't hurt myself to the point something happened to me.
Then came actual exams. Before having those exams we had mock tests. As i didn't study anything I was terrified to attempt those exams. I grew thinking/percieving failure is the worst that could happen. So i remember the day I begged my mom for me to skip the first exam. I cried a lot a begged for a lot of time but my mom insisted on me writing that exam. I am really thankful she did that. After wrting the exam it made me realise how it is not a big of a deal and made it seem like my life depended on it.
But the anxiety continued of not attending the classes. In the end it turned out well and good since I shifted from medicine to CS and felt a bit more assured. But to this day I have trouble picking up calls from anyone. Tbh I don't pick up calls anymore and whenever i hear a ringtone or vibration I get terrified at that momemt.
I know everything that happened here is what I bought myself upon and nothing changes that. I knew I could have set things right by attending tge classes and tests but it came to a point where I physically and mentally couldn't do it. I also know it wasn't that big of a deal but I grew up as someone being studious me doing all that made me feel like a failure and felt like I hit rock bottom.
Thinking back now I really don't know how I managed to survive each day feeling that way. I remeber feeling not living would be better than having to go through all this.
In most ways I still am the same in having those thoughts to being anxious everyday. I still have a hard time getting through things but have reduced the amount of self damage I do to myself.
I just find it hard living but carrying on with it.