I need advice about my mom
Sorry in advance if this is long but I really could use some advice. I feel extremely stuck and don’t know where to turn. I will try to be as concise as possible. I don’t know for a fact that my mom is a narcissist but she has always been a very difficult person for everyone in her life so this felt like the right place to post this.
Important context:
My parents were divorced from age 7 to 14. At 14 my dad passed away in a snowboarding accident. At the time he was dating a woman let’s call her Bea. 10 years have passed and my sister and I are ready to sell his house (which we inherited after the death). Bea happens to be a real estate agent. My mom always had issues with the women my father dated after the divorce (even though she cheated on him and caused the divorce but I won’t get into that).
My mom is someone that often takes over situations. For example she took over and planned my father’s funeral even though they had a hostile relationship and everyone in his family disliked her. Then when I (14 at the time) expressed my discomfort with that I was told by her that I was ungrateful and that if she didn’t do it it wasn’t going to get done. I wasn’t the only one uncomfortable with it but the only one who spoke up.
Another important piece of context is that I (24F) live with my mom and have for the past two years because I have a pretty debilitating chronic illness that severely limits my energy.
The current dilemma:
My mom’s boyfriend works in construction and is doing a lot of work at the house for a good price which I really appreciate and have no issue with him. My mom made it clear she wanted to do the staging for the house. My sister and I expressed slight reservations about this because it sounded like a lot of work for her and I said that I wanted to discuss with my dad’s ex Bea (our realtor). Immediately my mom blew up and made me feel terrible calling me ungrateful and saying she wouldn’t help with anything going forward. I ended up agreeing to let her stage it because due to my illness (and my sister living across the country) I knew I needed some support from her throughout the process. I gave her $12,000 to do the staging.
Throughout the process she has complained that I’m not showing enough gratitude and excitement about how everything is looking. I have made a point of trying to be extra positive and expressing gratitude, but it feels like it is never enough for her. It’s also hard to pretend to be excited about selling my dad’s house. It’s very difficult and emotional for me. She also has asked for my opinions but if I have anything to say besides 100% praise she gets upset. As the weeks have gone on she has become more hostile towards Bea and was even very rude to her in person. She is now at the point where she said she is refusing to listen to anything Bea has to say. Bea is very successful at her job and I really trust her judgement. It is Bea’s job to give feedback because she knows what buyers are responding best to. I am paying her to be my realtor and want to utilize her expertise.
I carefully planned out how to talk to my mom about this without upsetting her. I tried to explain my feelings to my mom gently and she refused to budge. I told her that Bea had requested to meet with us and walk through the house and make some suggestions. She immediately got very defensive and angry. I ended up reaching my breaking point when she accidentally referred to the house as “my house” and I yelled at her. I’m not much of a yeller but it just came out and I screamed “it’s my fucking house it’s not yours!” After years of this kind of behavior from her the words just streamed out of me. I told her that this is why I was hesitant about the staging. I said it’s not that hard to be nice and she’s making a difficult situation way more difficult for me and putting me in the middle and she always has problems with everybody. Honestly I don’t remember everything in detail because I was so anxious about confronting her but I meant everything I said. I know I threw in some swear words (which I literally never use) but I was just furious.
She went completely silent and hasn’t spoken to me in days. She is no longer getting food for me at the store, helping with my dog, or any of the things she used to help me with due to my illness. My sister came into town yesterday (to see the house for the last time) and my sister told me our mom was uninviting me from the family dinner we had planned. So I sat home alone and wrote this post.
Growing up she often utilized “the silent treatment” as punishment. I would always end up apologizing to diffuse the tension (she could never apologize). I pretty strongly feel like I don’t want to apologize and validate her behavior any more. But am I in the wrong? She has done a lot to help with the house (even though she has made the process miserable). And she has helped take care of me and let me live with her while I am struggling with my health. I am worried that if I don’t apologize she will not help me anymore. But it is also really emotionally taxing being around her. I’m in a difficult position relying on her.
I am in therapy which helps but I want to make sure I’m not completely out of line here. I have a tendency to doubt myself when it comes to conflict with my mom. Am I in the wrong? What should I do moving forward? If she decides to start speaking to me again how should I respond? If you read all of this I am so so grateful. Any advice and opinions are welcome.🩷