I (38F) have made the connection for the first time in my life that I may have undiagnosed ADHD, or the very least on the neurodivergent spectrum somewhere.
This is all new to me. I've always thought my brain was wired different but was always told that I have either anxiety or been told more than once it's depression. After researching on this topic a lot lately, i just feel like something has clicked, made sense and resonated with me. I've never even thought of this until now, I always thought of it as the stereotypical 'hyperactive traits'.
I'm not depressed, I'm overwhelmed with not being able to regulate my thoughts and emotions, even more so as an adult in a corporate world. To the outside I am functioning properly, but on the inside I am working on overdrive.
My job isn't stressful and the workload isn't a mountain. Things I tend to struggle with are timekeeping, concentration levels and emotional regulation. If a small thing disrupts the day, for example staff phoning in sick that morning I feel like I am spiralling, my brain didn't calculate for this, therefore it's firing on all cylinders trying to come up with a solution. The solution should be simple, but for me it is a matter of weighing up so many unneeded pros and cons and an internal battle of 'what ifs' will be happening in my head. Then I go on this little rollercoaster of anger, irritation, fantasising of escaping, then moved on like it didn't happen.
I think lately I feel this kind of stuff more as my job calls for more of a demand now of working constantly on a laptop and on documents as I've recently stepped into a maternity cover role. I'm self-doubting constantly and things that should take 5 mins turn into much longer as I have to triple check my work, for example when I write emails I will read them 4 times before hitting send, just in case there's an error and someone might interpret me as dumb or I will get pulled up for it.
At meetings I cannot concentrate. I concentrate more on people's faces and body language than what I actually need to pay attention to. I notice others are sitting still. I forget what was said, or didn't hear it at all. Then I panic and think 'oh no! They're going to find out that I'm shit at all of this!'
I daydream a lot.
Sometimes hours in work go by when I haven't done anything then that panic sets in and the dread of being caught out and feeling like a failure. I want to do well in my work, it's not a matter of being lazy.
I am EXHAUSTED, I cannot switch off even when I am not at work. For example my brain tells me over and over and over I need to do a task or go for a walk and my body will not respond then my brain will tell myself I'm useless for not doing said task. Or on days off I'll lie in bed and my brain is making an itinerary of the day and telling my body to get up get up get up.
I always thought I was ok at regulating, but I don't think I ever was, or that it's just worsening. Small things will irritate the crap out of me, and people think it's "funny" and me just being me "going off on one" or being a "drama queen". I cannot stand messy environments, that's my concentration levels gone instantly. Some noises go through me too.
Having to check and check and check things. Like going on the train for example, don't expect me to rest. I'll be checking that app in case I miss my stop and following the journey on Google maps.
I'm highly sensitive and try to please people. I'm not well with criticism and rejection. I've been single a while to guard myself, and others to be honest, because I couldn't regulate my emotions correctly. But I always thought that was just some sort of anger issues?
Is any of this making sense? Or is all of this kind of normal? I've tried speaking to people about it but the majority of friends and family scoff and tell me not to be stupid and that I'm "normal". Then I feel guilty and say to myself 'youre just weird in the head! You cannot be neurodivergent as that's taking away from other people's genuine experiences!"
I know that some of this may overlap with anxiety and burnout too.
I'm jotting all these things down and am going to make a GP appointment to discuss. I'm just scared of getting fobbed off with citalopram (again)
Thoughts and comments appreciated x