So I've never posted anything like this because I've always had a great relationship with my step kids and found a family in them, was with them since they were 5 and 2 and now they're 13 and 10. But our ten year old son seems to need his dad more and more and in 4 years I know he's gunna move in with us and I'm not looking forward to that. He still sleeps in our bed at 10 years old and is very attached to his dad. Custody is we get them most weekends but lately we have his son more than both of them because of my SD sports schedule.
Also things that have added to resentment is when I spent tons of money on their Christmas gifts for 4 years in a row when my husband was behind on child support and the kids told me straight to my face this year they didn't like anything I got them they're a little spoiled so I said fine I will just get you gift cards from now on. I'm not emotionally investing into expensive gifts for them and his extended family when he never does the same for mine. So that's been settled
Also I'm bipolar (and schizophrenic) and was hospitalized Jan 1st for my disability (my 3rd hospitalization). I had bad episodes when they were young but always managed to try and hide it. But this last week I snapped twice, first we were supposed to spend time together and I had gone and picked up our medication thinking I was coming home to him and he had to rush to go take him to a practice and I just broke down I've been feeling really fragile lately cuz I Haven't been working since I was hospitalized my husband wanted me to quit my job but its been hard cuz I just ruminate and have no money of my own and feel building pressure knowing I have a car note to pay. He says well figure it out but I know his money is dwindling too. We both have the same passion in the same industry so I've been focusing on building that with him to try to get us ahead in our creative career not just a job.
And then today I had this amazing idea for a side hustle and then found out it was going to cost money I dont have to get it started, and I already quit my other side hustle because it was breaking down my mental health. But not having my own money is also breaking down my mental health. And I just snapped and got angry not at anyone I was jus frustrated about money and he got so mad at me for even talking about money negatively with his kids. And im like I sacrificed a lot doing something I didn't love to put food on the table for those kids for years they need a reality check that money doesn't grow on trees cuz they're so spoiled. I just got jealous cuz I went to my room to cry alone and I hear them laughing together on the Xbox I bought them two years ago that they never invite me to play a game on together which is why I bought it so we could all play games. Im so over it im over giving up time with my husband to a kid that isn't really attached to me in the same way. I dread him moving in with us unless we're rich by then and I can do my own thing. He thinks I can just turn my mental health off when his kids come over and it doesn't work like that.
I've done everything right literally everything taking my meds getting sober going to therapy and I still have episodes where I snap and my husband will get upset with me instead of just comforting me like actually calming me down. I just hear them laughing together while I'm crying and I feel so lonely. We have sex all the time and I wish he would jus give me a little grace that im not perfect all the time and I wish he had the same energy for dealing with my mental health that he always seems to have to fck me.
And I do a lot for his kids that's sacrificial my whole life revolves around their schedule basically. I've always felt this way to a small degree but lately I've jus been having bursts of anger and jealousy that I know is my mental health but I wish he would treat me like im sick not like im calculating how I can fck up his time with his kid. And deep down I feel like he would choose his son over me and maybe every step mom feels that way, I'm childfree so I have no idea what that's connections like I only have my two dogs. Im jus so tired of everything right now and having a bad night. And yes im jealous that he always has such pure energy for his children but can't seem to keep that same energy with me in a crisis.