ok, so this will be long but I need help.
I am 39 single mom of 3.
i was raised by a single father with 3 siblings. brothers. there was some sexual and physical and emotional abuse. but my dad took to me the most and emotionally used me as he never remarried.
growing up he didnt really take us to church but often preached on gloom and doom armegeddan stuff. I believed in Jesus but my dad’s take didn’t really help me understand the love of Jesus.
fast forward, when I was a teen I fell into sexual sin. a lot of lying and stealing and bad behavior like sneaking out drinking etc.
I eventually didn’t like that lifestyle and married a deaf man.
our marriage was hard and I’d often try to get him to lean into Jesus or church when he struggles with alocoholism.
eventually his drinking nearly hurt my children on a atv incident and I divorced him.
I really wanted to find a partner , Good Godly man and when that didn’t work out I fell into all sorts of partying once my kids went to bed and I had a sitter.
one evening while laying with my boyfriend I had a supernatural event where my brain felt zapped and I was almost audibly being told so the worst with my life if you know what I mean . never had I felt like doing this before this moment. I wouldn’t do it and I resisted the urges saying I have 3 kids, I cannot do that.
after that I ended up facing many horrible things one after another and lived in fear an anxiety. so much so that I went to California to be the phyce ward. there, I felt like I surrender to God and I came home.
at that point I bought a house with my ex boyfriend thinking it may be Gods will. he had two kids and was a good dad and I liked him a lot
it was then that I thought the Lord was telling me to open a non profit and help the homeless. so I started doing that. my boyfriend at the time did not like it and i ended up leaving him over it.
i totally get now that I shouldn’t have been living with him. biblically.
so then I got a rental house and started attending church regularly and volunteering etc. our lives were good and listened to the word often and Christian music. I likely did still struggle with willful sins. but not so bad bc I was truly trying to dedicate myself.
i did still hope to find a partner bc running a home and children is a struggle on my own
i met a man that knew scripture very well and I felt like he was from God.
I had decided to be celibate in this season and had gone about 14 months without falling into sin.
unfortunately when I met this man my desires became strong and I mentioned it to him. he said he could talk to God and see if we could sleep together bc we may be spiritually married.
needless to say we did.
immediately after that I felt a serious demonic presence over me and the man became distant.
I went to a Pentecostal church where when I repented at the altar and called on Jesus I felt a loving supernatural force come over me and I was layed on the floor by this force and demons soiled out of me. for about 10 mins.
afterward I felt so free and light and just praise Jesus for freeing me.
oddly enough even though I wasn’t listening to secular music at the time I felt compelled to and I felt like God was speaking to me through the music. I also felt like he was speaking to me through numbers and would look up the biblical meaning of them based on scripture .
i was quite dillusional in this season.
fast forward to I thought I was the literal bride of Christ and even the messiah at one point. I’ve never wanted to be Christ or messiah but I felt like God was telling me this .
i prayed often if it wasn’t true, please take it away .
i know it sounds really dumb, but i have never dealt with supernatural things like this before and didn’t want to upset God.
the only thing that took me from these thoughts was when I went to file my taxes that were two years behind I ended up owing 90k in taxes and that was one of the worst days of my life.
i felt like I was being punished for my false beliefs
after this I filed for an offer in compromise that may make the taxes owed less
in this season I leaned back into the Lord and felt he was leading me to help other people be delivered from demons .
i posted about free bibles I was giving out and one young lady who had santaria practiced on her reached out to me. my friend nina and I ended up casting demons out of her.
however, my life and even the life of that young lady that had the demons cast out have gotten worse, not better.
i think about my sins daily and feel no presence of God, I often think about not being here and I feel I am in financial ruin.
I have no clue what to do and feel like I am considered wicked and a false prophet. I real often on what to do and it says to repent. I do feel bad for my actions but am not sure how to repent earnestly and have Jesus come back to me.
I literally feel like this may be judgement on earth and I am a worker of iniquity. I do still struggle with sins and I just genuinly do not know what to do.
many say mental illness but I feel it is more of a biblical thing as I have witnessed miracles etc.
someone else said I was probably operating in pride and to be seen which I didn’t feel at the time was the case but the heart is wicked and it’s possible. I feel cut off from the world and church and don’t read my word bc I feel it now just highlights my state of being sinful and doomed
please help