Back in like 1st grade, my best friend at the time (who i later ended up hating because of how manipulative and controlling he was) invited me over to his house so we could play games or whatever and we ended up in his room at some point, I wanna say he was giving me a tour of his house because growing up, I had never been to the 2nd floor of there house. When we were in his room, he told me something which now thinking about it is incredibly fucked and idk if it's true or not but he said that his uncle, cousin, or a family friend, I cant remember, showed him a trick to "remove pee from deep in your stomach" or some shit. He said that if you can see a faint hint of yellow on your stomach then there was pee in there that needed to be removed in a special way. So I lifted up my shirt and he was rubbing my stomach and looking deep into my stomach looking for yellow and I remember him saying that he was gonna need to remove this pee. So he told me to take my clothes off, fully bare naked and I did. He then told me to go into the closet so we went into his closet and closed the door, we could literally hear his brother on the other side of the wall watching a show or something because the walls were so thin. He told me to be really quite and said he need to suck me off. At this point I had never seen porn and had no idea what a bj was but even when he said that my conscience did not like that, but I still let him. I remember so specifically too that he said not to pee in his mouth which made me confused because I thought this was supposed to get rid of my pee or whatever. I dont even remember how this story ends and I probably didn't even finish because I was like 7 fucking years old. But I do remember him asking for me to do it to him and I declined and ended up going home. He told me not to tell anybody and when I went home I remember my brother asking what was wrong but I never said what happened I dont think but I must've seen like i was obviously hiding something.
To clarify, I am a straight guy, he was a grade above me and we have been best friends for like a year at this point, and he was like my only actual friend. I am 21 now and these memories are incredibly fuzzy (I also in general have a horrible memory)
Sometime later, idk when exactly but at this point I have now seen porn, and was kind of infatuated with it but had never jerked off (i know, weird). I fucking hate myself for what im about to say but I have a little sister who is 2 years younger than me, and I was probably around the same age as I was with the previous story, but I asked her if she knew what sex was and of course she didn't. I also tbh didn't really know bc I had only really watched lesbian porn if I remember correctly but ig I knew what 69ing was and I brought my sister into my parents walk in closet and we stripped and I dont even know if we actually did anything I think I genuinely wiped this out of my memory but I remember trying to 69 but neither of us sucked anything, we just got in the position kind of. Anyways, a few days later she bragged to somebody by saying, and i remember this part vividly "oh yeah, well me and my brother had sex" and my mom ended up finding out but I dont even remember if I was punished or anything because it was so long ago.
Fast forward a year or 2, we were visiting my grandparents and I groped my little sister. I remember sitting next to her in the basement where we were supposed to be playing or sleeping or smth and I asked her if I could and she said yes so I grabbed her chest under her shirt. Which is so fucked in so many ways and I feel fucking horrible about this.
Now me and my sister are close nowadays but growing up I was manipulative and controlling of her, my parents remember seeing hand marks on her neck of someone strangling her and they think it was me, and I think it was too but dont remember doing it. I was probably 7 around that time. Me being a dick to her was all the way up until 7th or 8th grade where I actually took a look at myself and how awful of a person I was, that ultimately led to me trying to hang myself in the basement with a tow strap that we had hanging from the ceiling for a hammock down there. But I ended up failing or backing out, again I honestly can't remember but I do remember writing this down in my journal, about me trying to kill myself, and my older sister secretly read my journal, told my mom about it then my mom read it and began reading it consistently. Once I found that out, I ripped up some of the pages and threw the thing away and have been afraid of opening up since then I think.
I've always wanted to apologize to my sister for all the horrible things I've done to her growing up, but I dont know if I should or how I should. And idk why I did any of that and i think this is why im scared of dating because im afraid of me being controlling, manipulative, or just not being able to control my anger with a partner given my actions in the past.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I really just wanted to get this out there and off my chest and honestly I dont think it helped and I feel worse now that im thinking about this again