Ok so I need opinions on something. Ive been involved with this guy for 3 years at various levels of seriousness. for various reasons on both sides.
About 7 or 8 months into the relationship I ended up speaking with an ex-hookup of his (through mutual friends) and finding out that the two of them were still spending time together in the early months of our relationship. She says they were not hooking up, they would just hang out as friends (I believe her). They lost contact for a while before the conversation between her and I.
She ended up telling him about the conversation we had, she sent him screenshots of the entire conversation, and the two of them reconnected over it. I was really mad about the whole thing - the dishonesty in the beginning, her sending him the screenshots, the follow up conversation they had about it, the friendship reconnection, etc. We somehow worked through it (dont judge me 😩) but it continued to be a sore subject. Months later she called him about a computer question (he's in IT) and I got upset because I did not realize he was still in touch with her. He said that the only reason she is back in his life is because I had reached out to her - they never would have reconnected if it wasn't for me, so I would have to live with that. Huge fight, we made some stupid compromise saying that he would not initiate conversation with her but he wasn't going to ignore her or block her either. We move on again. There was one other time that I caught him deleting messages from her - I saw the messages, they were just memes and random conversation but again it was the secrecy that upset me. He said he deleted them because he knew I would be upset if I knew he was talking to her.
Fast forward to now, I asked him recently if he was still in touch with her and he said yes and he showed me their messages. He also admitted that after our last argument about her, he reached out to her to "see if she would be willing to talk to me about it" to ease my concerns so he filled her in on my feelings about everything. I had no idea that he had done this.
This guy and I have overcome a lot together and there is a lot of good in our relationship. We've both helped each other through some tough things these last few years and I don't want to lose him but after this last time of finding out that he is still in touch with her, I am considering walking away, which I told him. The main reason I am uncomfortable about this girl is because of the repeated instances of secrecy about her. I am never going to be comfortable with this friendship and he has stated that he is not willing to block her or cut her out of his life completely.
I have a history of dealing with cheating partners so I am not sure if my opinions are skewed based on that, and it's not as big of a deal as I think it is? I also feel like I am being manipulated a little bit because he is saying things like "I cant believe our relationship is so easily thrown away to you" and "You must have been looking for an out if you are willing to throw everything away over this" so it's making me feel like I am over reacting. Can I get some real advice here? Would you guys walk away from a man you love over this? Thank you for any advice!