Growing up disabled and feeling lonely
Thinking about growing up after I watched Crip Camp. I feel kind of lonely now. I have the same condition my mom had but she never ended up in a wheelchair, she has to wear her knee and foot orthotics and has had some surgeries and still walks. I grew up with her wanting me to be normal. I wore my orthotics and braces and mostly looked normal but clumsy. Fell over a lot, had to go to special doctors a lot, but my disability was hidden in my clothes and I mostly just looked not disabled but weird. It didn't last and I've been in my chair most of the time for 5 years now. It started out only sometimes but now I use it most of the time.
Thinking about it makes me kind of sad. I wasn't allowed to do things other kids did and they didn't want me around because I couldn't do things, but I also wasn't allowed to just be disabled, my mom didn't want that for me and insisted if I tried harder I could be normal. Now I'm grown up and still wonder if I could have tried harder. If I could try harder now? I can still walk a bit, I walk around my house when I can because I know it's good to use what you can. My wheelchair using friends have never questioned me the way mom did, and I finally breathe around them. But maybe it's a lie, and if I tried harder like mom said I'd walk all the time. Being around other people like me makes me feel I belong but when I'm away from them I'm scared I should have tried harder to be normal. I think growing up with mom trying so hard for me to be normal and her not liking disabled people means I never saw myself in others growing up and now I don't know if I'm allowed to see myself in others now either. Like sometimes my wheelchair is part of my body and sometimes I feel I'm meant to kick it away and try to walk. I wish I'd been allowed to talk to other disabled people when I was little.