Having a baby has caused every childhood trauma to resurface
TW: child SA and self harm
When she was born, my full brain capacity was focused on keeping her and myself alive. But now we’re past the newborns trenches and coming into a good routine for both of us. My mind has space to settle. And it’s decided to settle on every horrible thing that happened to me as a child. I’m having nightmares again. Everytime I close my eyes I’m 10 again and sleeping over at a friend’s house where it happened. My daughter looks so much like me it makes me feel like I’m holding the baby version of myself and wondering why my parents wouldn’t give me what I needed at important crossroads in my adolescence. Why I couldn’t even feel safe at home with parents who were physically and mentally harsh to say the least, borderline abusive at times. Why nobody could see a young girl suffering. I receded into a shell. I started hurting myself. I was bullied. I changed school districts. I wasn’t bullied but I wasn’t accepted either at the new district.
I spent my early 20’s working through all this shit. It might have been the beginning of my story but it didn’t have to be the end.
I cried into my husbands chest and sobbed last night, I couldn’t contain it anymore.
Why me? Not her, please God, not her