u/Brilliant_Fruit7130

I apologize this this kinda a lot, but basically I’ve been thinking I may or may not be a lesbian because I have been thinking about this for a while now remembering all these different signs from early childhood or middle school to like 5th grade. But I have autism and I overthink a lot so I get scared if it’s all irrational because I tend to fixate on things a lot. However, I’m remember vivid memories of experimenting with old friends and I’ve always had issues making friends with girls and I’ve always been nervous or scared of them. I’ve always been a very open person and I have been trying to figure myself out since elementary. I’ve always been very into gay relationships ever since I was younger. With my friendships with girls they all been pretty intense and emotional and it’s been hard a lot for me. But I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for a year plus before and I found intimacy with them not that special?? Like I cared a lot about him but I always been obsessed with wanting a boyfriend but when I had one it fell off and like something was always missing.. But I never felt anything from really kissing and I was not a fan of being intimate with him, meaning I was uncomfortable giving him pleasure. (I still did it anyways because I didn’t wanna come across like rude idk) but I also was like “maybe making out isn’t for me?” And some other stuff. But there just been so many signs I’ve been thinking about and I thought I was a lesbian when I was younger in 5th grade to 7th but pushed it under to fit in with others girls cause I was bullied heavily for being different. But I felt like maybe I just liked the validation from men a lot and not the actual desire. But I also always cared more about a females opinion and I remember and care about girls compliments way more but I’m really not sure. Because I always dreamed of having true love and I watched all these romance movies but idk it felt not connected well when I actually had a boyfriend and all I have been doing is research so I need help.. 😭😭 (also intimacy with men I would do it but then after I would feel like off or disconnected)