Need help. No idea where to start.
To start, I’m a black AA woman from Mississippi (family from the delta) whose ancestors as recent as great grandparents were sharecroppers. My whole life I’ve always had extremely vivid dreams, and the past few years I’ve had dreams that have come true. (I dreamt that a cousin who was shot would start walking again and he did a few days later, I dreamt about a cousin being pregnant and she said she wasn’t but her sister was, only for me to find out a year later that she really was pregnant but unfortunately miscarried, so they both were. *I have no blood relation to her sister*) So, sometimes they’re about serious things and sometimes about small silly things like predicting a tv show. (One of my favorite characters hasn’t shown up so far this season and I dreamt about her showing up last night. Sure enough, she made an appearance on today’s episode) I’ve also noticed that all my life whenever I enter someone’s life, things seem to fall apart in a way or be revealed once our relationship is over or a bridge has been burnt. (ex. a couple I knew invited me to stay with them while I was having a hard time in my life, they proceeded to treat me like crap, and the next month after I was gone their marriage fell apart, and so did their children’s marriages as well. this is only one example). Another thing I’ve noticed is my power of tongue/thought, I’m not sure what to call it. But I remember one of my great grandmothers had spent years in the hospital almost none stop when I was a child and I thought to myself that I wanted her to go ahead and pass so she wouldn’t suffer anymore while the rest of my family was praying for her to get better. She died the next week. I’ve been afraid of my thoughts ever since tbh. I try not to think too negatively about things.
I’m also a very closed off person. Ever since I was a child I’ve been ostracized wherever I go when all I try to do is be kind to people and it seems I can never keep a friend for too long. It feels like every person who comes into my life turns into a lesson.
All this leads me to now, my other great grandmother passed away last year and we have a lot of black superstitions in my family which I’ve recently learned are connected to Hoodoo (not putting your purse on the ground, hand itching means money is coming, keeping a couple dollars to keep hants off of you, dreaming about fish). So I know there’s something there. Which leads to the problem.
The problem is that my family is deeply deeply religious (Christian). And despite all of the roots that seem to be in my family, I know asking about it would get me scolded and bless oil thrown at me. I’ve only heard the practice mentioned in passing as something negative so I feel that at some point our Hoodoo lineage was brainwashed/beat out of us. I want to connect and have no ideas how to on my own. And I’d love some clarity on what’s going on with my dreams and stuff. I just need some direction.