u/BreathingGirl000

Happy Sunday Albany!
I am trying to absorb a lifetime of confusing experiences that I now am able to put in the context of my recent autism diagnosis. I am looking for a neurodivergent community so I have somewhere to feel more safe being myself somewhere. Or a therapist or a support group. Just anything. After almost 6 decades, I find I am incapable of masking my authentic self. I’m grateful I could mask so I could make a living and get an education, but I am also just now feeling the pain of not fitting in anywhere my whole life.
I recently met a young man with autism whose parents are so incredibly supportive and who is surrounded by supports and services- none of which I have ever had. I hate myself for it, but I am soo envious and angry. I was rejected by everyone including my own family. I performed normal for them at an incredibly high cost. Same with co-workers. I have had supervisors who appreciated my autistic honesty, ethics, empathy, pattern recognition, etc., and they gave me moments of de ed long seen. But because my performance was uneven and I did not have any support, I missed work days because masking was exhausting.