I took my dad off life support in 2022
In June of 2022, my dad was hit by a car leaving him on life support. I was left as his health proxy and taking him off life support was my decision to make and mine alone. I was 25 with no idea what to do. Every time I asked for help in making my decision, people told me to trust God. I did as much research on his condition, recovery chances, and his odds of survival off life support. For almost a month he was on life support because I wanted to give him a chance to recover or show improvement and selfishly, I didn’t want to make the decision to take my dad from this earth. Around July 4th, I pulled him off life support and despite being 90% dependent on the ventilator, he lived until July 5th.
Since his passing, I have felt so guilty. I lost my brother to suicide in 2021. Then to lose my dad in 2022, to me pulling him off life support, I got extremely suicidal. I have since gotten help but I still struggle heavily with my dad passing. Every time I see stories of people with his injury and a low prognosis, recover, I feel even worse.
My dad was strong willed, stubborn, loved me with every fiber of his being, and was one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. He had my name tattooed above his heart and he would always say to me “you’re my number one, that’s why I have you tattooed on my heart”. I was his only child, his only daughter. If I was told to pick one person on this earth that truly loved me, it would have been him.
I would like to know if he is upset with me? If he has found peace? If he heard me in his last moments? If he knows how much I loved him and still do? If he knows I didn’t want to give up on him. I just want to hear from him. Even if he is angry with me. I just want to know that he is still here, even if it isn’t physical.