Am I overreacting about wanting to play a nonbinary character? Part 2
So that post kinda blew up, which I wasn't expecting. I honestly came here to complain, thinking I'd get a comment or two, not this.
Let me preface this by thanking everyone for their feedback, opinions and advice and let me apologize to those who thought this was ragebait. I don't have a whole lot of experience with classic DnD so if my vocab regarding classes and roles is lacking and therefore sounds fake, I apologize.
Now, context to answer frequent questions:
It was the DM's idea to have my character be the secret traitor. After the campaign ended, he gave me only a small insight into the background of the other player's characters and from my understanding each of them had some connection to the 'evil group' I was secretly working for. I believe he was setting up each of us to be able to have some dramatic reveal, but the other players aren't as into reveals and dramatic roleplay as I can get, so it didn't play out the way the DM wanted it to.
To make things clear, when I said that I've been almost two years with this group, I didn't mean this campaign took two years. We've only been playing this one for like a few months. Before this campaign it was actually one of the other players (27 M) playing as the DM and I absolutely love his campaign. In it, I actually never experienced any negative backlash regarding my gender or my character and I was the only woman on team even then.
As to why I still am in this group, or as you say this table, it's because I know those guys in real life. We've met, hung out and even larped together irl. And I've never had issues with them then, they never made me feel unsafe or disliked. They can actually be sweet and fun to hang around with, so really I don't know why it went south with this campaign. Truth is I am incredibly introverted and suck at making lasting friendships. This group is the only way I get frequent interactions with a group of people I know outside of work and school.
To some I've mentioned that my boyfriend (27 M, different guy than the first DM) is also in this group. No, he wasn't being cruel to me just to be cruel, he wasn't even actually mean. With him, I actually took it as jokes, given I was also making fun of his character and our characters were arguing constantly. But I suppose combined with the others poking fun at me and the frequency of it happening just pushed it past my comfort zone.
And now an update!
I spoke to the DM and my boyfriend, separately.
My boyfriend was supportive as he always is, offering suggestions and trying to be helpful. Unfortunately his suggestions only reminded me of the differences in experiences that we have as a man vs a woman. When I told him I was tired of feeling like the butt of the joke, he suggested I make an alliance with a player, who's making a big strong man as their character, have our characters be friends and have their character kick the butt of anyone mean to my character. The levels of pick-me and damsel-in-distress energy would be lethal. I love a trope where a big strong character has a parental, protective relationship with another, but I just know it wouldn't work in this group. Still, he listened, told me my feelings were valid and like many of you, told me to confront the other players and the DM about how I felt.
So I told the DM. I told him that the sexism and fatphobia are a bigger deal to me than I let on. That due to the treatment I recieved I wasn't looking forward to DnD as much as I used to. He apologized and told me to give him a heads-up if there are other topics or jokes I'd like him and the others to avoid in the future. However I do admit some of you are right in him not being the best guy ever. It showed in the way when I mentioned that mentions of SA are a hard no for me. Mostly because instead of saying "Ok, I won't include it" he said "Ok, so can you not handle it just being mentioned as a theme or is it the act itself?" Please, don't shout at me, I know that is a red flag the size of China.
And finally, what will become of the non-binary character. I will in fact play them. I'm finalizing their design and backstory, but in the current state, their name is Jayden (Keep in mind it's a modern setting, so I didn't want to go too ham with the name choice. Backup option is Trinity, suggestion of my best friend, but given that in the last campaign they complained about my character's name, which was Kestrin, being too difficult to pronounce, I figured I'd keep it simple). The DM agreed to let me play whoever the hell I wanna play and so that's what I'll do.
Thanks to your feedback I will be proceeding with more caution and allow myself to be selfish and put my feelings first. I will proceed into session zero, because at the end of the day, I still love playing DnD and I don't want to loose the few friendships I do have. Not to mention that it allows me the escape I desperately need as a struggling college student. I love telling stories, creating characters and roleplaying as said characters with other people.
I thank you all for the compassion and advice you've given me. I have recieved invitations to other tables, which I am utmost greatful for. Unfortunately, being from The Czech Republic, I am not able to accept those invites. Never the less you made me feel seen and heard and I could not be more appreciative for that. Thank you for giving me your time and advice. Maybe I'll even start posting my creations and characters here!
Truly, thank you for hearing me out and giving me the push I needed.