I have to tell a story…
I just left a girls house earlier this evening who I met in high school 7 years ago. The first year was spend as friends figuring out if we could be more, the next half year was spent dating, until I cheated on her with a man (i was battling with my sexuality, and made, what I believe to this day, was the worst decision of my life) and then we went our separate ways for 2.5 years when she called me out of the blue and we talked about everything for the first time.
Another 6 months go by, and she calls me again asking if I would want to hangout, I agree, and it’s the single most relieving experience of my life. So much guilt and pain forgiven and lifted off both of our shoulders. We continued to hangout until one night, we kissed. We kept seeing each other. Over and over. We weren’t dating, but it was definitely not just two friends catching up, if you catch my drift.
Then one night, I asked if she would want to be back together, and the veil was shattered. The commitment was too much for her given her current situation, and our past. I told her I’d still want to continue how we are regardless, so we did. I let it eat me alive until one night, I said I couldn’t do it anymore, and I left. We didn’t speak or see each other for another year until last night.
We hung out, had some drinks, and talked about life and the past. We talked about this one time back in high school before we dated when we were at a friends house, a little drunk, and we locked ourselves in the bathroom with a pillow and a couple blankets, listening to music and talking about that things we loved, and fell asleep on the floor. It was the start of our initial relationship 6 years ago, almost to date.
Following the talks and watching a movie, we fell back into old habits. This time, however, I was immediately honest with her, and told her that I couldn’t just be her physical pick me up again. After another long conversation, it was pretty clear that nothing was going to be happening between us. I still stayed. We still hooked up. And I left today more saddened than if I hadn’t picked up the phone again at all…
on my way home, I turned on the Wishbone Deluxe album for the first time, and when it got to Door, I heard the line:
“A rosary bead of the headphones we shared
On the night that we slept on the floor
I tried to find someone else, but it just makes me lonelier”
And I just cried. So many relationships in between, so much hurt, none of them feeling nearly as real as the one that I ruined, and in then end we keep coming back to each other, only for it to be more pain. The worst part is that neither of us can just say no.
Everything comes back around ig🫠
Thank you for reading if you did. It’s been a long day and needed to put these thoughts somewhere❤️🩹