u/BornSituation374

i feel like i am not meant to be here. like i am not meant for this life. i mean this in the sense that, if the theory of the multiverse is real, i’ve somehow found myself in the wrong universe. sometimes i feel like the life im living isn’t even real, like this is all a dream and I’ll wake up 10 years old in 2019 again. Sometimes i genuinely can’t comprehend that this is my life. I think it definitely got worse with my uncle’s passing, but i feel like i’ve felt this way for a long time. recently, i’ve been feeling like i should’ve existed in the avatar universe as one of the Na’vi, or something similar. a simple life where i’m spiritually connected with nature and where my entire life isn’t defined by what i do when my brain isn’t even fully developed. Though really, when i feel like the life im living isn’t real, i really do mean that it just feels like a hyper realistic dream. Everything up until Covid felt real. Tangible. During covid, it just felt like… like it was still real but hard to believe. From 2021 up to now, i can’t believe everything that’s happened. Like i literally cannot believe that it’s reality. Well, i mean obviously it is, but it’s like a have a deep achey feeling that’s it’s not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wanna blame it on my unwillingness to do anything academically (i’ve barely done any school assignments this entire school year) when my whole life seems to revolve around school. But i feel like even after that, when i leave high school in a year or two and make my way out into the world, I’ll still feel like i’m 10 years old. like i’ll look at my young adult body in the mirror and think, “is that me?”. It’s not to say that i don’t enjoy life most of the time. I do. I have amazing times and stress just like everyone else. The thing is, even after a good day, at the end of the day, i’ll still feel like i’m living in the wrong reality. it feels like i’m a younger me, trapped inside my older body as it moves without my permission, making decisions for me. it’s like my mind and my body aren’t connected, like my body has a mind of its own. i find myself thinking of being productive, wanting to better myself, but it’s like my body chooses to make a different decision almost every time. it’s like i’m trapped behind a glass, watching it make decisions for me. and the most fucked up part about it, is that i feel like I’m not even trying to break the glass and get my freedom back. I’m just standing idly by, watching as my body fucks everything up. I wonder if this is normal. i wonder if anyone else feels like this. If it was up to me, i would talk to a therapist about this, but unfortunately, it’s not up to me. The closest thing i have to a “therapist” are the school counselors, and i don’t really trust them. they would probably tell my mom, and she would tell me i’m just lazy and i should get off my ass or something. it just doesn’t FEEL like laziness though. it genuinely just feels like… like i used to have a fire in me that made me do productive things, but at a certain point, a glass lid was placed over it. and the fire slowly burnt out. and i don’t know how to get it back. i just need someone to tell me what this is so i can fix it </3