So you’ve finally decided it’s time.
Time to stop staring at glowing rectangles for 17 hours straight.
Time to leave the digital dungeon.
Time to venture into the mysterious realm known only as:

“Outside.”

Maybe your friends told you to touch grass.
Maybe your ranked teammates screamed it at you after you missed a 1v4.
Maybe you haven’t seen the sun since daylight savings changed.

Whatever the reason is…

This tutorial will guide you through the ancient ritual of physically making contact with grass.

Not metaphorically.
Not spiritually.
We are doing this scientifically.

Before touching grass, you must first understand what grass actually is.

Grass is a green plant commonly found:

• in yards
• parks
• random fields
• soccer fields
• places where dogs commit crimes

Grass has existed for thousands of years despite gamers trying their hardest to ignore it.

It is usually:

• green
• slightly wet sometimes
• outside
• unable to connect to Wi-Fi

This last fact may shock some users.

Touching grass can be emotionally challenging.

Symptoms may include:

• confusion
• sunlight damage
• hearing birds for the first time
• realizing the sky has graphics

Take a deep breath.

You are strong.

You survived:

• middle school group projects
• public school pizza
• updating Windows
• YouTube ads longer than the actual video

You can survive grass.

This is one of the hardest steps.

Slowly detach yourself from:

• your gaming chair
• your bed
• the blanket cocoon
• the couch crater you’ve formed over several years

Your legs may make strange sounds.

These are called “joints.”

Do not panic.

A door is a large rectangle in the wall that leads to:

• freedom
• sunlight
• taxes eventually

Walk toward it carefully.

Avoid distractions such as:

• opening TikTok again
• “just one more match”
• reorganizing your desktop icons for 45 minutes

Stay focused.

The grass awaits.

Grip the handle.

Twist.

Pull or push depending on the architectural lore of your house.

If nothing happens:

• you pushed when you should’ve pulled
• congratulations

This is a canon event.

You are now outside.

Important observations:

• the sky is huge
• air exists
• wind is basically nature’s fan setting
• birds have surround sound audio

You may notice a large glowing orb in the sky.

This is called:

“The Sun”

Do not challenge it to a staring contest.

It has undefeated stats.

Grass is generally located:

• on the ground
• not on ceilings
• not in your Discord server

Search carefully.

Advanced players may encounter:

• dirt
• weeds
• suspicious sprinklers
• bees with anger issues

Stay calm.

Walk slowly toward the grass.

Do NOT:

• Naruto run into it
• slide tackle it
• announce your arrival dramatically

Grass prefers respectful visitors.

Take a moment to inspect your target.

Possible grass variants include:

• short grass
• tall grass
• crunchy grass
• suspiciously wet grass
• grass that looks like it contains side quests

If Pokémon suddenly appear:
you may have gone too far into the tall grass.

This is the crouching phase.

Bend your knees carefully.

If your knees sound like microwave popcorn:
drink water later.

You are now approaching maximum grass proximity.

Slowly reach toward the grass.

This moment is important.

Historians may write about this.

Your ancestors did not survive thousands of years for you to lose this battle to lawn plants.

Congratulations.

Your hand has now made physical contact with grass.

You have done it.

Mission complete.

But wait.

We are NOT done making this tutorial absurdly long.

Grass may feel:

• soft
• pokey
• cool
• slightly damp
• like nature’s carpet

Do not eat the grass unless you are:

• a cow
• a goat
• extremely confused

Outside air smells different.

Possible scents include:

• rain
• dirt
• flowers
• barbecue from three neighborhoods away

This is called:

“Fresh Air”

Gamers discovered it in 2014 but forgot about it shortly afterward

Notice how detailed the environment is.

Nature has:

• ray tracing
• dynamic lighting
• realistic shadows
• zero loading screens

The graphics are honestly insane.

This phase is difficult.

You may hear the faint whispers of:

• your console
• your PC
• unfinished YouTube videos
• notifications nobody actually needed to send

Ignore them.

Grass time is active.

Experienced grass touchers may attempt:

• sitting in grass
• laying in grass
• walking barefoot in grass
• touching TWO grass blades at once

WARNING:
This level of outdoorsmanship may unlock:

• confidence
• happiness
• vitamin D

Proceed carefully.

You may encounter:

• squirrels
• birds
• butterflies
• random neighborhood cats acting like they own everything

Do not challenge squirrels.

They move unpredictably and fear nothing.

Outside can deplete HP.

Drink water.

Not:

• three energy drinks
• melted slushie liquid
• gamer fuel with radioactive colors

Actual water.

The original beverage.

One touch is good.

Two touches?
Legendary.

You are building outdoor experience points.

Soon you may unlock:

• “Taking a Walk”
• “Going to the Park”
• “Existing Normally”

A shocking revelation.

Outside contains:

• cool weather
• sunsets
• fresh air
• random dogs
• peace and quiet sometimes

Not every moment needs to involve:

• ranked matches
• doomscrolling
• arguing online over fictional power scaling

When you are ready, return home.

You are no longer the same person.

You touched grass.

You faced nature and survived.

Your ancestors smile upon you.

Your gaming chair misses you.

Touching grass is not merely an action.

It is a journey.
A lifestyle.
A legendary side quest.

Remember:

• grass will always be there
• sunlight is free
• outside has surprisingly good graphics
• balance is important

And most importantly…

next time somebody says
“go touch grass”

you can proudly respond:

“Already did.”