I warn you right away that the story will be long, with a lot of context and my own thoughts. I just want to at least vent somewhere. This situation happened almost two months ago, a month later I had a terrible tantrum (not primarily because of this, but this situation played a very big role), and now I still can’t get over it, although everything seems to have improved.
Let’s call this girl Sarah. We both turned 18 this year. (Yes, yes, teenage drama, congratulations to everyone who reads this).
Sarah and I met back in high school. We had a very long and thorny path. Sometimes everything was great, sometimes arguments, once we stopped communicating for months, but still got back in touch and became good friends.
A few years ago, life separated us, and I was forced to move from my native country to a neighboring one. And a few years later, for personal reasons, my family moved even further away. That is, we literally found ourselves on different ends of Europe.
For a while, we were sad about this, because going to a neighboring country is much easier not only in terms of transport and money, but also because our parents could more easily approve of such a trip. Therefore, for several years, our meeting seemed almost impossible.
But we held on. We communicated almost daily, played games together, hung out on Discord, watched YouTube together, and so on. We had and still have mutual friends and acquaintances. This small company was like a family to me, and Sarah was really already a part of me.
Here I have to digress into another topic.
Over the past few years, I have been living like a recluse. I have almost never built close relationships with anyone here. Exactly HERE. Somewhere nearby. I forgot what it was like to live in the same city with someone and be able to just call and sit in the park together in half an hour.
These moves gave me a lot of interesting acquaintances, I learned new languages, got things and experiences that I could not even think about before. However, all this cost me carefree teenage years, parties together after school, organizing sleepovers, or something like that.
I was bullied by my peers all my childhood, and the only thing I wanted was friends. And when I finally got something similar to my childhood dreams, they took it all away from me.
But now about Sarah. Her life clearly did not end with my move. She went to college, she also found new friends.
And I was sincerely happy for her, because she is wonderful and deserves such good people around her.
Of course, sometimes envy was present, but I always reassured myself and understood that it was not her fault that I was in this hole now.
And so, the years passed.
Last summer came. I don’t want to go into much detail, but she had a chance to come to me. At first I didn’t believe it, but then the days were filled with happy anticipation. I won’t drag it out, nothing worked out.
At the last moment, her parents wouldn’t let her go that far, and set certain conditions why she couldn’t go. Yes, it was painful and broke us again. But soon we were filled with enthusiasm that next year everything would definitely work out.
She promised that it would be better to learn English so that we could travel calmly and save money for the trip. I also thought about how to plan everything from my side and so on.
And finally we return to two months ago.
It was always an important goal for me to meet her. After all, firstly, Sarah is not an ordinary person in my life. And secondly, I have very little communication here lol. Every meeting with someone is a holiday for me.
I don’t remember how it came to this, but I asked Sarah if she had saved money for this and that. After all, last year I had savings to pay for her way here, but this year the situation is a little different.
She was a little surprised, said that I shouldn’t do this and she didn’t expect me to even think about it. And probably nothing will work out again. (She hasn’t even asked her parents about it yet, she’s just sure that the answer will be no)
It probably sounds stupid now, but at the time I stared at the phone for a few seconds not knowing how to react. She just said all this so eloquently and moved on to another topic.
It hit me hard because I thought it was a shared goal for us. I didn't just make this up out of thin air, it's been really important to me for years and I've talked about it a lot, we've even planned out our time together and stuff. Sarah knew it was really important to me.
I replied something neutral and then I was overcome with emotion. I very rarely show anger in chat, but this time I couldn't help myself. I had the feeling that this was only important to me. That I was the only one trying for this, it would seem, for the sake of a common goal.
I don't care if she tried again and it didn't work out, if the circumstances were bad again or she wasn't allowed. But it hurts me that she didn't even think about it. If there were some efforts last summer, now there's nothing at all.
Because of this, I started to feel like I was nothing more than an internet virus. Which is always in someone's phone and doesn't need anything else. I already have problems finding my own self and all that, and then added to that the closest person seemed to not try for me.
I understand that no one owes me anything. And maybe I'm really wrong in this situation, but it hurts me. I really hurt because of this fact. This hit my trust in her and my perception of her in general hard.
We hadn't talked for a while, I needed a break, plus I was really busy from morning to night for a few days.
And now.. I don't know. I feel like such a piece of shit. Sometimes I look at her messages and I don't know what I feel. I somehow don't want to share any more problems or joys. Just some neutral communication.
Especially now that she has a new close friend. And they spend a lot of time together. But that's a completely different story, and this is already a long text.
I just sometimes look at her new photos, and I don't see her there anymore. Or I notice how her manner of speaking has changed. It's all very strange.
I don't want to ruin this communication, she is very valuable to me, but at the same time I still haven't gotten over our argument. My thoughts are going completely crazy.
I notice how empty our chat is becoming, but sometimes I just don't feel like writing..
For me, meeting her has always been a high priority. And for her, it seems, it hasn't been. Or maybe it's all just my fault. I don't know.
Should I talk to her again? Or leave everything as it is? Or just think about something else?
P.S. Thanks to everyone who read this far hahaha