Generalized Dysphoria from Autism
Just to be clear: I don’t feel gender dysphoria—I have no desire to transition to anything else and I feel mostly fine with the label of “man” being attached to me… it’s more like I’m… not human? I don’t know how to describe it, it’s just like existing itself does not “feel right” to me. Nearly everything feels like a daunting task and the way our societal systems are set up just does not mesh with the way I *exist.* It’s like my brain was designed for a completely different style of living from what we’re accustomed to here on Earth.
I’m not, like, saying I’m an alien or anything (as funny as that would be), I just don’t feel… human. It’s not like a furry thing either (have nothing against furries! just not something I find fulfillment in personally), I don’t feel like I’m “spiritually an animal” or something, I just feel like I fundamentally do not mesh with nearly every aspect of existing. Every single thing feels either awkward, scary, or forced. Taking a shower, brushing my teeth, putting clothes on, taking clothes off, going to the bathroom, eating, it doesn’t matter what it is or how mundane or repetitious it is. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been doing it every day of my life for the last 23 years, it just does not feel right.
Am I, like… expecting life to feel a certain way when in reality it never feels that way for anyone? Was there some grand lesson about living in modern society that I missed? Some expectation that I never fully understood and thus always expected more than what is possible? I just don’t know.
Can anyone relate to this? I’m assuming it’s related to my autism but I suppose it could also stem from the ADHD or the depression or the anxiety. Autism *feels* like the right answer, though. Probably a mix of all four, I dunno.
If you CAN relate to this, do you have any advice for how you deal with it? How to not feel like such an alien not just among other people but even in relation to yourself? And really—was there some kind of lesson or expectation for life that many of us just sort of… missed, growing up? Is life SUPPOSED to feel like this?