Treasury Board Confirms Return-To-Office Policy Based on Vibes, Not Science
**OTTAWA** – Treasury Board Secretary Bill Matthews confirmed to a House Commons committee this week that the federal government’s decision to force public servants back into offices four days a week was based on a "philosophical choice," a term usually reserved for teenagers deciding to become nihilists or people who buy organic salt.
Matthews admitted that the government has zero data, studies, or tangible evidence suggesting that sitting in a cubicle while wearing noise-canceling headphones to ignore a coworker’s tuna salad sandwich improves productivity.
"If you’re looking for a study that says this is a better way to do things, I don’t have one," Matthews said, presumably while leaning back and staring wistfully at a framed photo of a water cooler. "I would describe this as a 'vibes-based' governance model. We just have a feeling that if people are physically touching the same carpet tiles, the nation prospers."
The "philosophical" approach apparently includes a deep, metaphysical belief that people can occupy the same space at the same time, even when that space does not exist.
Matthews acknowledged that several departments, including the Department of National Defence and Global Affairs, currently have more employees than desks—a mathematical problem the Treasury Board has solved by simply choosing not to believe in math.
"Decisions were made knowing that some departments have more people than space," Matthews noted, suggesting that public servants might explore "quantum superpositioning" or simply taking turns sitting on each other's laps to foster "team collaboration."
The move marks a bold pivot for Public Services and Procurement Canada. After years of promising to slash the federal real estate portfolio by half, the government is now considering leasing more buildings to house the employees they previously told to stay home.
"It’s about the 'trend,'" Matthews added, pointing to the private sector’s desperate attempt to justify long-term commercial leases. "We saw everyone else jumping off a bridge and realized we didn't want to miss out on the breeze."
When asked how the government plans to execute its "very ambitious agenda" with employees spending two hours a day in traffic and the other six hours hunting for a functional USB-C dock, Matthews remained stoic.
"Efficiency is a mindset," Matthews explained. "And our mindset is currently stuck in 1954. It’s a classic philosophy."
At press time, the Treasury Board was reportedly looking into "philosophically" paying employees on time using a new payroll system based on the alignment of the stars.