I genuinely need advice
I really sorry for the long post but I'm really scared and desperate right now so I just need to get this out and in a way I'm also writing this for myself to get it off my chest.
I've always had this problem where I have a crush on someone and the moment they like me back, I just don't want them anymore. Like literally immediately. Like a switch. And this is obviously the classic pattern that gets described for lithromantic people, but it also overlaps with attachment issues, so I always hoped it is the second one. And to be fair, every single person I've had something with genuinely had something going on with them, or we just didn't really match characterwise. So I can't say for certain it was purely the lithromantic thing.
I don't think I need to explain much more my patterns fit a lithromantic person to about 90%. For example, until about two years ago I had this really intense thing with a fictional character and maladaptive daydreaming, that's not really the case anymore but I think it's relevant. Moreover I feel xxxual attraction to real people, but the moment things get real with someone my body just reacts to the point where I feel sick. My sxx drive disappears completely. And at that point I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore, I ghost them until they want nothing to do with me anymore, and then suddenly I want them again.
But about three months ago there was this guy and it didn't work out, but for completely different reasons. And what was different about him was that he liked me first, so I never had that initial crush on him. But he was actually really good from the beginning and it was the very first time I immediately responded to a guy instead of just ignoring him. I actually wanted to meet up with him (Even if I had bad anxiety days before) just to see where it could go. I smiled when he texted me. On the dates I didn't have big romantic feelings but there were only 2 of them so you can't really build much in that time, and more importantly it was the first time I knew a guy liked me and I didn't just completely shut down. I don't know for certain but I think if there had been more time and more romantic effort from his side I might have actually built something. I really don't know.
Overall though the pattern is always the same and it makes me unhappy because I genuinely want a relationship. Not in theory, not with some fictional character, a real one. I know relationships aren't perfect and I know they take a lot of work and I'm okay with that, I want that. I get so jealous when my friends are in relationships or when I see couples on the street and yet I've never actually managed to build real romantic feelings for someone. The idea of never being able to have a real relationship wouldn't just be something hard to accept, it would genuinely lower my personal quality of life.
And then there's this other thing, I genuinely cannot believe that someone finds me attractive. Someone tells me they have a crush on me and my brain just can't believe it. I think that comes from being rejected and mocked for my appearance when I was younger.
Two years ago I came across lithromanticism and it really did fit, even back then. But I was also pretty sure I just had attachment issues. When I read posts here I noticed that for a lot of people figuring this out was actually a relief, they stopped chasing feelings they didn't have and were just happier accepting it. I understand that. But for me it's the complete opposite. I want the deep connection, the romance and the intimacy. I want the flowers and the gifts and a real partner and someone to build a life with. And I know lithromantics can have relationships, but I just don't know how I'm supposed to get there when my feelings shut off the moment something becomes real (And I dont want a platonic one).
I'm really happy for everyone who has found peace with this, but personally I can just say that something would truly be missing from my life. It's not about not being able to accept myself, it's just that it genuinely makes me extremely unhappy. This has been affecting me strongly for years. I`m still hoping I have attachment issues but I´m losing hope. I don’t know if I’m lithromantic. I don’t know what to do.