I feel super selfish for this, it's been eating me alive and i just need to vent, okay? I feel like i can't tell this to anyone.
My (technically ex) stepdaughter killed herself two years ago and it has absolutely destroyed us, specially my kid. My daughter is now 7 and even thought it's been two years she is a shell of herself now. I have tried everything and i mean it. Therapy, play therapy, grief therapy, grief counseling, a grief camp, we even travelled to a whole other country so she could see her sisters grave and say goodbye.
My daughter still cries every day about it. We will be doing anything and she will start absolutely sobbing and it absolutely breaks me. I don't know what to do or how to handle it.
She doesn't want to celebrate anything, not her birthday, not christmas, not halloween... she doesn't want to watch tv or read or go to school. She wants to quit all her hobbies.
She knows her sister killed herself (her father told her, she was so little i didn't want to put the idea of suicide in her mind yet but fuck what i want i guess) and she has so many questions, i have so many questions. I don't know. Her sister left a letter to her and sometimes i wonder maybe i should read it to her now but also, she is 7. I don't know. How does one even deal with this???
I also just feel so guilty about her death, i know i should have done more and seeing how it affected my child just makes those feelings more real. I absolutely adored her, i truly did. I was divorcing her father and i offered for her to live with my daughter and i since she didn't want to live with her parents. I don't know why she said no, i think she knew she was gonna kill herself then.
She just went back to her country and a few days later we got the call. My ex husband is so upset and embarrassed about it, he is always talking badly about her to out child. It sucks. I hate what her death has done.
I know it wasn't her fault, i know she did try but i can't help but think had she stayed, it would have gotten better. She was at an age where she could be free and start again. It would have gotten better. I miss her. I'm like not mad at her but upset at the situation, i want to shake her and tell her not to be silly, it will be okay, we are here and we love her but i can't. She is dead. She is dead and we are heartbroken and that won't change.