Struggling with how to handle new sensitive information about her past.
Hi, throwaway account for obvious reasons.
For context: I've been struggling with retroactive jealousy for a couple months now with my girlfriend, recently its gotten to the point where I can't control the thoughts of her having sex with other guys. Every time I think of her, I think about how she has had sex in the past. Our relationship is otherwise amazing.
I'm religious and view sex as incredibly sacred, I think this is where the RJ stems from (growing up having this view of sex). She doesn't see sex in this way, which is okay, but she's happy to wait for marriage with me, which is something I really appreciate.
Today we were talking about my RJ and how I feel about it. This isn't the first time, but we've talked very little about the topic because she feels like I'm shaming her for it when we do talk so I try to keep it to a minimum. (I try very hard for it not to come off as shaming, I've accepted that it's her past and she can't change it, im not upset at her, I'm just dealing with the repeated thoughts of it and tried to explain to her today that it's just an issue with my brain and not an issue with her past).
Well today, while talking, she got very upset that I was shaming her for it, I tried to explain that i'm sorry it was coming off like that, but that's not what I'm doing, I'm only talking because from what I've read online, talking with your partner is a good thing as long as it's done correctly.
After this happened, she said she hates me bringing up her past because she was raped and it's traumatic, she can't change her past so talking about it is pointless. This was extremely surprising to me, she's never said this before. Once when we were talking about RJ previously, she talked about the first guy she was with and how she didn't exactly want the sex but never said no, I asked if she was raped and she told me it wasn't like that.
I've found my RJ is not directed towards this instance because it felt like she didn't really have control over it and i suspected rape. My thoughts mainly stem from the second guy she's been with, her ex boyfriend.
I'm concerned now because I'm having very conflicting thoughts. I feel terrible with how we've talked about her experiences, if she was raped, I'm worried I wasn't careful enough and I don't want us talking to become traumatic for her. Also, I'm still dealing with the thoughts of her having sex. This to me is proof that it has nothing to do with her past, and instead everything to do with my mind and how I view sex.
I'm also angry, I hate how she had to go through that and how sick of a world we live in where it's possible for someone to experience that even once, I'm so upset at those men for using her like that.
But finally I'm just confused. I can understand her not wanting to tell me if she was raped, but I'm confused why she always felt so adamant at defending her past or saying that sex is normal. I don't view sex in this way, but I never addressed it like it was a problem with her. I know this is most likely delusional thinking, and I feel terrible for it and wish I could stop thinking in this way, but it feels like this is her way of getting out of talking about it with me if that makes sense. She's always talked about sex as if it were consensual between her and her ex (we never get into specifics which I really appreciate, I read that only makes it worse), so her saying it was rape really doesn't align with what she's said in the past.
I don't know what to do, maybe I'm just struggling a lot because it's hard for me to accept the woman I love so much was raped by multiple men, but I feel so defeated and gross with my brain and how I'm dealing with RJ in the first place. I'm doing my best to comfort her, but I just need advice, I'm looking into therapy for myself and potentially her as well if she needs it, but any comments on the situation would be very much appreciated.
TLDR: I've been dealing with RJ for a while now, just found out my girlfriend was raped by both men she's been with, having trouble navigating what to do or how to think.