For u/EntranceMoney8265 and anyone else interested in this bizarre story.
I saw an ID request. I thought it would be like any of the dozen I've answered. Though, the image was blurry and the answers were unclear. I gave up. A Noble False Retreat then proceeded to climb up my wall. I decided to relocate her. On my way out the door, a spider I didn't recognize descended on a string on thread directly into my personal space. I screamed and scared my dogs and dropped the cup (the False Widow was fine dw)
I then eventually worked up the courage to go outside and looked up. I had no idea what that was but I recognized the very specific body shape from that blurry image I saw on reddit. That was the one. I got a better look. The hunched abdomen. I've only ever seen that once in a spider, and I failed to identify it. After a half hour wild goose chase on the internet, I got an answer. A male Cross Orb-Weaver. Is matched every single piece of descriptive evidence to the letter, as far as I'm concerned.
And up there is a picture I got.