Goodbye, my beautiful boy
Picking you up the other day felt foreign and awful. Not because our souls don't know each other, but because you've become a bag of bones. I used to need 2 hands to pick you up, remembering the last time I did and how heavy you were. But the other day, you barely weighed more than a feather. Your bony little body in your sweatshirt, and your fur… brittle, patchy and falling out over your frail tiny body. It breaks my heart to see you this way. I loved you like you were my child, even though you are "just" a dog. In fact, before I become a mom to a human child, I strongly held the belief that my pets were as important to me as any human child I'd ever have would be. That changed slightly when I had my daughter. Only because I learned a new kind of love I hadn't known existed before I had her. But that doesn't mean I love you any less than I ever did. And I've missed you so much.
It's been hard over the past year... seeing you only once in a great while. I never thought we'd be apart. But life can be strange and sometimes things happen you don't anticipate. I wish I could tell you this and you'd understand. I hope you know how much I miss you. How much having to leave you hurt me, too. But uprooting you from the farm with acres to run free wouldn't have been the right choice. I couldn't offer you such a lovely place and the freedom to do what you love the most. It would have been too much change for you while you're battling cancer. I thought it would be best to let you live out the rest of your days where you were familiar and happy.
I ask about you every day…Most days, I hope you barely remember me. I hope you don't miss me. I hope you don't feel sad. All I know is when I picked you up the other day, and your little head instantly fall against my chest, I had all I could do not to cry. You're the goodest boy. The best in fact. And I'll never forget you. I said my goodbye that night as I held you close. I recognize that look and I know you don't have much time left. I said it in my head as I held you, hoping you could feel my heart and hear my words.
And then the text came today. You were gone, just like that. It brought me to my knees knowing I wasn't there to hold you and comfort you during your last breaths. Please understand... I did ask to make sure you weren't alone, and I wanted so badly to be there with you, but I had no control in the matter. He promised he wouldn't let you die alone, and he says you weren't. No one should die alone. No one. But especially not a sweet boy like you. Always gentle, always sweet. I cried more than I thought I would. The guilt of not being there for you in your last moment will haunt me for a long time. I hope you are running through fields, sunbathing, and chewing endless amounts of your favorite toys.
Until we meet again in the afterlife, please know I love you always and furever, my sweet Miles.