under no circumstances should members of the public refer to this situation as “losing Reagan.” The Gipper’s spirit has not been lost.
OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE FAE COURTS OF RECREATIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS DRIFT
REGARDING THE TEMPORARY MISPLACEMENT OF THE GHOST OF Ronald Reagan
Firstly:
remain calm.
Secondly:
under no circumstances should members of the public refer to this situation as “losing Reagan.”
The Gipper’s spirit has not been lost.
He is merely wandering aimlessly through an undetermined psychic region after becoming confused during the Third Annual Astral Projector’s Ball at Bill Murray’s house.
This sort of thing happens more frequently than many realize.
The incident appears to have occurred shortly after several projectors attempted to introduce the former president to ambient techno, an action explicitly prohibited under Ballroom Ordinance 7 due to previous temporal instability events.
Witnesses report the ghost becoming visibly distressed before calmly announcing:
“Well Nancy, I appear to have become metaphysical.”
He then phased directly through the east wall of the dining room and has not been reliably located since.
We again stress:
he is not considered dangerous.
The spirit currently displays only mild Cold War confusion, moderate chronological displacement, and periodic attempts to deliver speeches to furniture.
However:
there exists one small administrative concern.
At the time of disappearance, the entity was still in possession of several launch codes connected to forgotten astral-adjacent ICBM systems abandoned beneath reality during the late twentieth century.
These missiles are not technically active.
They are merely sleeping.
This distinction is very important legally.
The Courts therefore request assistance from all lucid dreamers, remote viewers, wandering mystics, and responsible paranormal hobbyists in locating the wandering president before he accidentally accesses one of the buried command structures again.
Particular caution should be exercised if the spirit is encountered near:
- abandoned shopping malls
- decommissioned radio stations
- desert diners after midnight
- vaporwave music
- patriotic synthesizer compositions
- or glowing staircases descending beneath suburban homes
DO NOT agitate the entity with:
- harsh noise music
- ketamine
- ironic Soviet imagery
- discussions of modern internet culture
- or extended explanations of cryptocurrency
He does not understand any of these things and becomes emotionally overwhelmed.
A reward of THREE (3) wishes shall be granted for any information leading to his safe recapture and ceremonial reintroduction to the Ball.
Reasonable wishes only.
Previous abuses of the wish system have forced us to establish several regrettable restrictions involving dragons and inland oceans.
Despite his occasional speeches and tendency to haunt microwaves, we miss him greatly.
The ballroom feels quieter without him.
Should you encounter the wandering spirit, please reassure him that the party remains ongoing and that the jellyfish-shaped chandelier has been repaired.
Thank you for your cooperation during this sensitive supernatural matter.
THE BALL CONTINUES.