For close to two years now I've been working nights at a railyard as a mechanic. I'm very young. Turned twenty on the yard not that long ago. It was an odd experience. Just kinda stared into the skatepark across the road from the yard and smoked my cigarette until I was 20 years old. I feel no different.
Anyways it's started to really negatively affect my personal relationships. Not just platonic and familial but romantic and sexual as well and I don't know what to do. Friends have been the most understanding. Family a bit less so, wondering why im asleep on my days off instead of doing work for them landscaping or building shit. My ex boyfriend was understanding but he dumped me outta nowhere. Since then anyone I've met just uses me for sex and then ditches me because im asleep too much so they say it makes them feel unwanted. 100% serious I've had a whole entire couple use me as a personal sex droid and then cut me out because i wasn't talkative enough in the groupchat. Bitch im either asleep or under a locomotive wtf do you want fron me. More recently I met a girl I'm really getting along with and things are actually going okay.
Then this weekend happened. Got home Thursday morning and tried to stay awake for her but immediately passed out and woke up close to 11 pm. Planned to hang friday so I stayed up successfully, noticed I had a completely bald worn down to the cords tire and had to hit a tireshop all day and then my buddies dragged me off to do something and I was up till at least 2 or 3 AM and just woke up a few hours ago and now she feels dejected and like ive shrugged her off. But it's like- alarms or not sometimes my body fails me and im exhausted and I cant get back to people and then I get dumped.
Ive told her already that she deserves someone better than someone who can really only be awake at night and who is never not tired and who chainsmokes constantly to maintain a sense of awareness. She keeps going for me because im the first person she's ever been with. I don't know how all my coworkers manage having children and wives and side jobs and shit. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.