u/BlackBatFlower

So, I'm pretty sure I'm saved now.

The reason why I know I am saved is because I trust that Jesus died for me and He will remove all my sins. It really is that simple.

I am, however, admittedly depressed at the darkness I see in my heart, why do I read the Psalms and have so many callous thoughts? Why do I find in myself such reluctancy to worship, even when I want to worship? I thought this problem. would have vanished at once. Perhaps with some people it is more of a gradual process.

This is making me depressed. Like, super depressed. Because I want to worship without having a dozen callous thoughts disrupting me. (NOTE - these are not blasphemous intrusive thoughts, but something different.)

I know everyone's conversion experience is different but I wonder if with anyone else their change of affections was also more gradual.

1. Ahmed, whom I gave a Bible and a gospel tract to, for him to accept Christ and be cured from alcholism;

2. Nadine, who is in rehab;

3. Emily, poor and struggling and weeping in the streets when I saw her;

4. A dark-skinned man whose name I did not know whom I gave a tract to;

5. An old man whose name I did not know whom I gave a tract to;

6. A shabby woman named Karma or Carmen (hard to tell) who has been angry at God at yelling at the sky, trapped in her circumstances yet wanting to know God, yet not knowing Jesus.

I'm not saved yet, was a false convert, though I was saved in April, turns out whoops, I ain't. But regardless, there was a homeless man I met who seemed so sad, so I talked to him, soon learning that he wanted to be reconciled to God, so I took him to a library and showed him the Heaven4Sure website. immediately it was like he became a different man and he started saying that he wasn't interested in the words, only the pretty pictures, said he didn't want to read, and then started rambling incoherently about politicians and dogs and other things. I saw it was demonic interference and was horrified. Please pray that this man does not die in his sins, and please pray that if I haven't sinned away the day of grace, that I will know be saved ASAP so I can properly help people. The man's name is Ibrahim.

I have a new worry now. On May 3 an incident lead me to worry over whether or not I am of the elect, and I promised God I would do my best to forget it, but in fear and stupidity, the next two days I ignored my promise and ruminated about the issue, also created a "Reasons For" and "Reasons Against" chart. Sometimes I stopped myself, and then I threw my chart away, but on the whole, I broke a promise to God, lied to Him. The tale of Ananias and Sapphira haunts me. Can I still be forgiven? Why is it so difficult for me to see that Revelation 22:17 "whosoever wills, drink the water" logically applies to me also?

I am a former false convert. Have been for 11 years. I want to now make my calling and election sure. I cannot live another 11 years of being a false professor and being useless to God and to people. The gospel message is abundantly clear - confess my hopelessness, come to Christ as I am, and trust Him to make me holy.

Over this April, there were moments when I thought I was saved, then despaired again the next day, and over again, and over again. Even today I feel more in a state of confusion more than anything.

Pondering a bit, I realised it's because I'm still hung up over Hebrews 10:26. You see, during my false profession, I read X rated novels although I was convinced it's probably a sin, and even refrained from communion as a result. It wasn't until 2024 that I finally had enough, realised I was disgracing God, and I stopped reading them.

I know most commentaries say Hebrews 10:26 is about returning to Judaism, but the text says, "If you keep on sinning willfully." So I'm worried.

Thoughts? Anyone here who has sinned habitually against conscience, but later repented?