u/BlackAsPopo

What I mean is that you use self-hatred to explain why you have failed in your relationships, career, hobbies, journey to self-actualize, etc. That way you can maintain sense of control: you can say to yourself "I failed because I wanted to fail; I never deserved those relationships or careers; I don't deserve to realize my full potential in life - so I threw everything, including my life, into a garbage can and set it ablaze".

Self-hatred takes away the painful sting from feeling like a failure; you can always convince yourself that had you truly wanted to succeed, you would've done so effortlessly; your doom is your own making and you revel in it.

If you do recognize yourself in that text, how long did it take for you to realize that's what you were doing? How long did it take for you to take steps to improve it once you recognized it?