Hi mommies. I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but I’m typing this while my baby is lying in wake. I don’t even know where to start. The pain is overwhelming. There are so many questions, so many “what ifs.”
My twins were born prematurely at 29 weeks. One of them was only with us for 3 days. He had a cardiac arrest in the NICU. It was incredibly painful, but we had to stay strong for his twin.
After one month, we were finally able to bring the other baby home. Our house was full of life—there was a baby, crying, smiling in his sleep.
But suddenly, God took him too. When we woke up, he was no longer breathing. His heartbeat had stopped. We rushed him to the hospital within 5 minutes of finding him, but he was already gone. My husband was doing CPR on the way, praying for a miracle. Even at home, he was already gone—there was blood coming from his nose while my husband was trying to revive him.
I keep thinking… maybe if I didn’t sleep, he would still be with us.
I talk to him, asking if his twin visited him, if that’s why he followed. Were they really not meant to be separated? Why did they leave us?
I ask God, why give them to us only to take them away so soon? What was the purpose? It hurts so much.
People keep saying maybe they weren’t meant for us yet. That there’s a reason for everything. That maybe, somehow, they’ll come back. That maybe they have a mission in heaven.
But honestly, I’m now afraid to get pregnant again. My husband and I are both scared. We don’t want to go through this again.
They say this grief will last forever. And I believe it—because now, I’m even afraid to sleep.
Thank you for reading.
I just want to ask… how do you move forward after something like this? 🤍