About Apati and my thoughts and feelings on life
​
This post is mostly for those who aren’t 18 yet (are there many of you here?), since I’m 15 myself. The topic of the post is, um… Well, I don’t know—just some teenager rambling about his thoughts and sharing his “valuable” life experiences on Reddit. I’m not sure how suitable this place is for discussing anything other than music, since this is my first post here, but it was the band Apati and Obehag in a “never stop the madness” T-shirt that inspired these thoughts. I’d be interested in reading about your life stories or your thoughts...
I don't know English and I constantly use a translator.
Apati is my favorite band. I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but some of the feelings described in their lyrics are very familiar to me: isolation, a lack of joy in life, and disgust with my own way of life. What I love most about the album “Morgondagen inställd i brist på intresse” is the contrast between the soft vocals and the lyrics, which seem to tell the story of the last days of a person’s life. When I read the lyrics, I always realize that they’re about a person who is about to die. The songs describe “suicidal symptoms,” you could say... It saddens me that people have to feel this way, that I have similar feelings. Because of my empathy for someone and because the song seems to share my sadness, I feel better.
Not only does the protagonist in Apati’s songs suffer from depression, but his condition is exacerbated by his addiction to drugs and alcohol. Once you’ve turned to alcohol and drugs, life will never be the same again. With every dose, it gets harder to live sober. If you start using while depressed, you’re unlikely to get out of it. I really hope I never try drugs and never get drunk.
Two years ago, when I was into BSOD, Drug Darkness, and other raw black metal projects, the slogan “never stop the madness” seemed cool to me. I didn’t fully understand how much drugs change a person and ruin their life. I liked the drug aesthetic in various movies, TV shows, pictures, drawings, songs, and cool stories about metalheads—it was everywhere! People older than me would talk about how they used mushrooms and other drugs. I was 13, there was a lot of alcohol in my house, all my peers were often getting drunk, and I was talking with a friend about how cool it would be to smoke marijuana sometimes. At the time, I thought, “The main thing is to never do hard drugs. Sometimes you can smoke cannabis/snort cocaine/take acid to relax and get high. You just need to control the doses and frequency of use wisely." But there is NO GUARANTEE that you won’t lose control of your life and end up like those addicts you used to laugh at on the street or fear. Where does the confidence come from that you won’t become addicted? At some point in your life, you’ll feel really down, and drugs will replace the joy of life, or at some point things will get really fun and you’ll let yourself use a lot. How quickly will you realize that you’ve become addicted? Teens get drunk and don’t see themselves as 40-year-old alcoholics, just as those who smoke cannabis don’t see themselves as drug addicts... If you drink 250 grams of vodka every day—you’re addicted; if you smoke cannabis once a week with friends—you’re addicted. If that sounds too harsh, then you’re “prone to addiction.”
Damn, there are so many things around kids that encourage them to start using alcohol, nicotine, and worse... It’s not just metal. In many genres of electronic music—like rave, for example—there’s a drug-fueled aesthetic, and the same goes for rap. The internet is full of drug-related memes. Kids look up to others, and often it’s a destructive lifestyle. Maybe it’s just because of my surroundings, but it seems to me that this is why kids are so prone to wanting to try drugs. It makes me really sad to see 12- or 13-year-olds smoking cigarettes or vaping on the street.
Perhaps because I’ve seen various people—including my own father—in the throes of delirium tremens, and heard stories from the lives of different alcoholics as well as from my own family, I’ve never allowed myself to drink beer or wine to the point of intoxication. I was disgusted by my father and by the fact that I lived with him, so I promised myself “never to drink vodka” when I was 13. This winter, I promised myself “no alcohol. No more beer on weekends, no wine on holidays.” I’ve been living with such a jerk for so long that I feel like a jerk myself, even though I don’t get drunk or bully people. I’m really disgusted with myself for living in these conditions. I no longer talk to any of my friends because I feel humiliated by the way I live. “Jag sjukanmäler mig för resten av livet, och väljer total isolering.” I hope alcohol and drugs don’t ruin any of their lives. I will never look down on my friends or judge them if they develop a serious addiction. I value people very much.
But you understand, the fates of children from troubled families are all too different. I spoke with a drug addict whose mother is also a drug addict. My father’s father also has a drinking problem; he’s retired but still drinks heavily. Some people become addicted, some don’t; some drink on holidays, some give up alcohol for good. Some take their own lives or die from an overdose.
Stories like Obehag’s should teach us that we should never use drugs. He lived his life exactly as described in Apati’s songs.
Stop drinking, stop using drugs, and never look back. Once you’ve overcome depression, sadness will always be right behind you; once you’ve overcome addiction, your memories of drugs or alcohol will always be right behind you. Never look back