u/Bingslug

I have been playing the saxophone for about 5 years and currently in highschool (Bari and Alto player) and I always had such a hard time with being over critical of myself ever since I auditioned for middle school district band or did competitions.

I had a spring state competition today (we auditioned in districts and all 3 of us was awarded gold) and I had 2 other players that played along side me. They are such amazing saxophonists as one of them is in the same grade as me and one is a year younger. Today they performed beautifully, and I did as well during my alto sax solo .. BUT I messed up on the last segment of my solo and it made me completely shut down.

I was so worried about getting gold, because of the pressure that was against me. The two other people alongside me were GUARANTIED gold since beforehand the judge said ‘you had the best tone quality out of all the saxophonists I heard today’ to one of my friends, as they all just seemed like they winged it.

I avoided everybody right after and just left, not talking to anyone as I even cried when I watch one of my friend’s solo and it made me feel miserable that I acted like that. I feel like everyone is tired of me being so hard on myself yet I can’t control it, and it seems everytime it isn’t perfect on my solo in ANY audition I breakdown and crash out on myself, quoting ‘everyone else did perfect and I didn’t’ or ‘I need to skip lunch in the next couple of weeks and just practice till my fingers go numb’ etc and I know it’s bad but I just can’t help it. Has anyone been like this before, and have any advice on how I can progress mentally on playing an instrument when being competitive? Or just in general?

I had multiple people tell me I sounded great, or it wasn’t even that bad — everything you would hear but I just keep getting angry every time, to the point I feel sad about not congratulating my other friends on their performance or achievements. Not only it affects me, but everyone else as well. As my parents are sometimes miserable after watching my solo, thinking I did amazing as afterwards I said it was the worst I ever performed in my life.

I love the saxophone, I love playing and I love my friends.. but I don’t want to stop in my tracks because of this. I want to be proud of myself for once, how are you even supposed to feel that way?

Update: I got got on my solo and quartet 🕺🕺