u/Bigg_Chunnguss

My partner (27M) and I (26F) have been together since we were 15&14. It was unbeknownst to me for a long time, but my partner had struggled with p*rn addiction since he was about 12 (thanks unrestricted internet access 🤩) and we fought about it even back then. He made an account around that time and the username is literally 'P*rnLikeTV.' "It's not a big deal" "I don't expect it to be like that with us" "I still think you're attractive" "I'm sorry you feel that way," all common rebuttals to me bringing up that I'm not comfortable with it.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, we were with our kids out of town when we were getting ready to go to a popular chain restaurant that just so happens to begin with 'por' and what pops up but his history- plus numerous attempts at recovering the account. When I asked why he felt the need to access it he said "I don't know" and "I was just curious," but I don't believe that at all. I want to know what he wanted off there so bad. Was there a certain person he was looking for? Was there someone he was wanting to subscribe to? Was he trying to start doing it himself?
I'm 4 months pp with our second/last child, and since we had her and I have been cleared he's maybe initiated something three times. The last time, we had to stop because it hurt and he just withdrew into his phone until I went to bed and well you can imagine after that. I broke down last night because I feel so distant and he's perfectly content with p*rn. I feel disgusting, and I am losing desire to have any kind of intimacy, even though I'm craving the closeness.
Idk maybe this was a ramble I'm sorry yall, I don't have anyone to talk to. If you made it this far, I hope you have a really nice day and know that the world wouldn't be as funky fresh without you here.