I’ve always been depressed.
I was abused as a kid so I was either depressed or finally happy to be out of that dungeon so I was elated, estatic, the happiest happy I could have been. I love being that happy. It’s like every fiber of my being is smiling and shouting out rays of sun. I think I look like Alyssa Liu when I’m that happy. Just happy, carefree, energetic, unbound.
I just turned 28. Idk how to be happy without being that happy.
We went out to the bar for my bday. I would say I was tipsy at most, like 6/10. I know everytime I was complimented on my outfit, I would say, “thank you it’s my bday so I’m dressed up”. If anyone was debating a round a shots, I would say “oh well it’s my bday so maybe we shouldddd”. My friend told me that I was overly excited and people were mocking me.
And suddenly I was a kid again. And everyone hated me again. It’s so stupid that I’m letting this affect me and affect me this much. I wasn’t hurting anyone or demanding like song changes or shots or anything, I was just celebrating.
I work 60 hours a week so I can pay off my past medical debts and get back into school. I want to celebrate me. I deserve it. But how can I be happy in a way that doesn’t irritate everyone?
My friend said it was more so my delivery. That’s even worse. I thought I was saying it in a “so we all have a reason to celebrate” type way, or just being overall silly. He said the vibe I was giving that it was my day and I was making it about me.
I just wanna be happy. Why is it so hard to get along with other humans?
I consider others, I don’t do bogus shit for my gain, I’m polite even when things get escalated. I care too much and end up over extending myself but I’m working on boundaries for that.
I’m not a jerk. I’m not mean spirited. I just want to be happy, the kind of happy I know how to feel. From when I was a kid, even I was finally released from the tower. I think when I’m happy, my laugh is contagious and everyone wants to be happy with me. I guess I was really off because this isn’t the first time I’ve been told I’m doing too much.
I just wanna be happy. I know I have so many blessings but I feel like I don’t.
I know having a family that has its toxic moments but undoubtedly loves me is a blessing. I know secure housing and an apartment decorated and pantry filled is a blessing. I wish I could focus on that. But I feel like I have nothing. Every relationship lasts forever but doesn’t go to marriage. I don’t have any degree yet. I don’t have a car yet.
I feel like I’m a loser who no one can love. I know that’s not true. I know my friends and family would be devastated if anything happened to me. Plus I don’t want them taking on my debt or funeral chaos. So I don’t tell them how depressed I am.
What’s the point to life if I can’t feel love or happiness? I can be ok being behind in life goals. But I don’t get to have moments of being happy? I don’t get to be held by someone who sees a future with me? So what, I need to go back on lexapro (I have ptsd, gad and adhd, most likely some depressive disorder) so I can’t feel depressed or happy? Do you know how scary that was, things that would make me cry, laugh or rage just didn’t have an effect on me. I decided I’d rather live with ptsd anxiety than to lose my happiness. But it seems I can’t be happy the right way.
What do you think happens after we die? Will I go to my happy place? An open field of sun flowers where I can laugh as loud as I want without upsetting anyone. I’ll have to wait to find out. I could never do that to my friends and family.
How do I learn how to read a room? I thought everyone found it silly how happy I was, so many ppl came I up to me to compliment me. How was I supposed to know my happiness was too loud? That I was taking from the night? No one told me.
I don’t think I’m meant to be here. I don’t think I’m human the way everyone else is. It’s ok. I’ll be alright. I’m smoke weed, nap and go to work. Any no one will know that I’m battling this. Good. I’m already annoying enough.
Thank you for reading.
I hope you can be happy in a way that makes everyone happy with you. I hope you never feel alone.