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I feel desperately guilty every day, and about everything. I don't like the place where I live, or the people I have to meet every day. I really feel I'm doing my best, yet I still feel I'm not working or studying hard enough.
When I try to find the reason for all of this, I feel so sad and helpless — yesterday, last month, last year, my whole life.
I even remembered what I thought three years ago. In senior high, the teachers were biased and the students were vain and frivolous. I wouldn't let myself become desperate over such trivial things. I had some health problems — I couldn't sleep well, and I couldn't stop my mind from racing. My father beat me. My personality was lost.
If this feeling keeps going on day after day, what kind of person will I become? The heavy academic pressure, the many memories I've lost, my teacher's disappointed stares, the class-based gazes and ridicule at school, the numbness and emptiness after being beaten — all of these weigh on me.
My dear and best friend, my middle school classmate, I missed her for a year. When I saw her again, she had become another person. She became a product of the factory assembly line, a social identity defined by image — anything but herself.
Time alone is so precious, but I can't even have any spare time. Sixteen hours of school time, no phone, no internet, no rest, no extra learning resources — the questions I was confused about, the knowledge I lacked, my only choice was to throw them away, forget them, and stop questioning. I was forced to dedicate all my time to it.
I have sought help from many people. It would even be enough if my mother just didn't interfere with my life. — Stop disturbing me. Stop giving me breakfast that makes me feel dizzy after I eat it. I don't even have the right to talk back. He beat me and humiliated me just because I wanted a basic life of my own.
This cold society produces nothing of value. People assume every phenomenon is justified. All suffering and deprivation become tools for comparison and for asserting a sense of superiority. I believe that even if I died, I would be forgotten very quickly.
Sometimes I am scared and frustrated. I didn't choose the path I was "supposed" to take. I do handle some small troubles and have changed my life so much.But I have to face the same challenges as the people who did choose that path. I'm always scared that my life will fall down — down into an extremely dark hole. I feel guilty that I can't do better now.