Falling out of love or ?
Hello I would love someone’s input please. I have been with the same partner for almost 12 years. we have had ups and downs stressful times me constantly fearing abandonment. we have literally been thru a lot. anyway last September I went thru this tough time of being sick and everytime I get sick I get anxious and stress and take whatever ppl tell me super serious. my bf was telling me how I dont care for myself enough etc. I took it as an attack of course and was stressed more than anything thinking he was going to leave me. I started taking antibiotics and medrol pack and I swear that’s when things changed for me. I stopped feeling myself in a way I would wake up with panic attacks. I felt diff in life. I would look at my bf and felt not obsessed as I was I felt nothing when we kissed or hugged I was just unhappy the most werid thing for me. I started freaking out. went to the dr and did blood work. went therapy and a psychiatrist. she told me I sounded like I had depression and anxiety then more time passed she said you have bpd traits because of how much I was just talking about my bf and how I feared him leaving me. how my emotions were wild. We time passed I felt worse I was freaking out a lot I literally never thought of having borderline I just thought I had a anxious attachment because they are the same in some ways I was told . I still to this day believe them because she really only spoke To me few times. I had always been jealous and really see What my bf is doing and etc and doesn’t help that he has a temper too. But literally everytime we would fight I would think oh no that’s it but we would talk and all was fine. I lliterally thought I am just a bif people pleaser and anxious attachment. with time that went by with all this stuff I was feeling crazy I could not be near my bf without my thoughts going crazy and my body and shoulders getting tense. People kept saying I fell out of love etc but I was like no and the more people kept saying stuff the more I freaked and said no how can that be. We were fine we would have moments but nothing ever changed how I felt about him. Things got bad my bf couldn’t take how I was acting he was losing it because my mind wouldn’t stop he would touch me and I would cry and say I can’t because my mind wouldn’t stop and my body was so tense. we fought more and more he kept trying to break up and I would cry in the most oddest way cry don’t leave me beg but I wasn’t really crying in a way. Then I left to spend ti with family for three weeks and it was so odd I felt so uncomfortable but not tense and I was like omg no it’s him. Then I would text him but not want to but I kept wanting to at same time. I also noticed I wasn’t as excited to see him how I was thru entire relationship. I came back home to him after three weeks and my panic stop but tense feeling still there on and off and the thoughts still there but don’t make me panic as much but still is this forever ? can this ever change ? Also I started Zoloft 12.5mg last December and still on it but idk what it’s doing :/ any advice is appreciated please be kind tho as I am hurting deeply. I still treat him nice and kiss him and hug him but I don’t feel all crazy obsessed It’s be 8 months but 3 months of me going to therapy and trying please someone tell me this can be worked out and that’s not the end of us. He is my best friend