So idk where to start,but I need to get this off my chest. Bec of all I faced in feeling like I'm the problem and I don't deserve anyone,which might be true too.
I joined my btech cllg(a tier 3 one cz i was too lazy to get EAMCET seat) and made few frnds in the first few days. Then I got to meet this girl who became my bestie and eventually a sis type,let's call her Maya. Context: I've never had a female frnd bec of family issues,my parents divorce effecting my social abilities.
So me and maya were chatting and all and I told her most of the stuff like how I felt,who I had a cllg crush on and so on. Little did I know,she openly told my secret which I told her specifically to not say cz I trusted her. She sprea rumors throughout her so called gang and cllg that I'm a girl addict,desperate and all,so people started viewing me differently. I understand that and I felt even more alone. Then maya had breakup with my frnd(same class) let's call him K. So being the good frnd and the innocent asshole I was i supported Maya throughout her journey.
In 2nd yr LE people joined and I made few frnds. Cut to chase i learned today once again that she told I trap girls and all to them behind my back,the reason they all stopped texting or responding even in real life. I didn't know this and i felt like only Maya genuinely was there for me. In 2nd yr itself i got my first love,let's say her name is Swathi. So me and Swathi were pretty deep in relationship even if it was a long distance one for like 3 months,then she went to vllg and came back,and told breakup to me as our caste isn't same and her parents won't accept. I begged her,cried,started going into depression and hallucinating her voice and presence yet she completely cut me off. In depression only Maya was there for me but even she ignored me,so I had to push myself trough life. Maya had another relationship in the meantime with a guy from US who her frnd Krithi had introduced. Krithi is kind of a Playgirl,and Maya used to say such things Abt Krithi that made her character like an adult actress,but when speaking with Krithi Maya used to be soo close and bestie type,which made me suspicious and cautious. Cut to 3rd yr Maya broke up and she came back to me,and one day she decided to go out with me and one of her childhood frnds,let's call her Chandra. When I met chandra in mayas house,idk I just liked her. We went,we played we had fun and me and chandra were genuinely building a good bond. Maya once asked if I was texting chandra and I told yes,so she took my chants and started bad bitching Abt chandra to me. I didnt listen. So Maya started ignoring me,getting angry towards me for no reason,and one day she was sitting beside 2 assholes from another section,let's call them Nithin and Raghav. Nithin is kind of a nibba,someone who tries to control his crush type,and a big shit happened between him and his crush,where his crush literally spat on him,while Raghav double timed and cheated on my closest frnd,who I would protect with dear life. And even the girl he cheated on with was there,so I casually called maya telling I need to speak once regarding some record,she literally,infront of all those assholes,told "abha why tf did he come now". I was soo angry i didn't meet her and went inside cllg,chandra texted and I told her everything,and similar incidences kept occuring and chandra was the one to cool me down. Realising this maya guilt trip and gaslighted me into believing I was the problem and she started saying such bad things Abt chandra one would literally feel disgusted,but ik chandra so I didn't. I told chandra and they confronted and settled. Before chandras bday i confessed my feelings to her,and even she had but maya told some fake stories to Chandra and her opinion shifted,even on her bday she called her toxic ex and was staring and talking to him. I felt lost again and i got proposed by a girl called shreya. Shreya too had such pain and betrayals and we bonded over our trauma. But after 2 months she started scolding,harrasing and shouting at me for no reason,even If I showed concern it bec a problem and if I gave reassurance she felt I was being selfish. I couldn't bear,i literally went into a mental breakdown and broke up with her. Cut to few months past maya and chandra started texting me back,and they planned to take revenge on me as I left them when Shreya came. So again maya told such things and shifted what I said as if I'm bitching Abt chandra,which I didn't know nor did chandra. After a month me and chandra met,we talked abt what happened and all,and she sat on my lap,I never stopped loving her is what I've realized so we went into a relationship for a month,were there and all,but maya kept a fight again involving her parents,luckily I took a stand for myself and I defended my character,which made maya loose her character for lying in her own house. Later during a festival I went to chandras house to give some snacks. Her mom was there,and after I left she warned chandra that she shouldn't have any relationship other than a frnd with me,she tried and she also left me after sometime. I went into chronic depression so I started seeking therapy. Idk but all this took a toll on me,I'm unable to genuinely bond or talk with ppl. And yesterday was chandras bday,and few weeks before that she kept a story,which I asked something and she gave an ans like she moved on and is having ppl crushing on her,and I'm hurting hee by holding on. It genuinely broke me even more. It made me feel soo much replaceable. Like I'm nothing for ppl that they use and discard me. And i talked with my cllg mates today and they confirmed how badly maya had spread rumors on me that even faculty felt uncomfortable arnd me. I genuinely don't know what I did so wrong to her that she did all this. I wanna confront her soo bad.
I also am feeling lonely,no one to talk to,and now I'm dng a job as an AIML dev,and I'm unable to trust or even communicate properly with my colleagues. Idk I feel like I'm beyond repair and this is how I need to spend the rest of my life.
All names are changed btw.