u/Bflow2

For the longest time I've always wanted to be Christian and always believed in Christianity, I especially wanted to become Orthodox and I believe it is beautiful and feel spiritual whenever I'm at an orthrodox church. However as of mostly a year ago or 2 up to now I just haven't felt much, I don't feel anything praying, if anything praying feels more like talking to the wall, on top of that my life is screwed and whenever I pray for good things to happen it seems only bad stuff happens. I also have lost all desire to even go to church anymore and just focus all my time on work, I don't even have desire to go to church or even desire to pray fearing I may just be sabatoging myself. On top of that I've been in nature a lot recently and have been fascinated with bugs and animals whether it be bees, birds, deer, etc, and I think to myself they don't think anything in this life but survival and what they're biology wired to do until they die which they become forgotten. Which saddens me because I believe that if heaven where real all living things from bugs like ants all the way up to humans should have a chance at heaven. Since those times reflecting more and more and studying humans and modern humans it almost feels as most Christians just are hoping rather than believing in Jesus but just hoping the afterlife is not real and there's no such thing as heaven or hell but rather just what you feel in sleep, nothing, you just wake up and it feels like no time has passed, except when you're gone, you never wake up. I don't want to be athiest but based on the way my life is going and whenever I attempt to pray or just find some defense I just lose faith overall, I'm compasionate and sometimes oversensitive to small things but I don't know, I think I'm sadly losing faith, I dont know if anyone has any advice or anything but I just feel out of it😞