u/BethCrow3

There is one type, where my stomach can be grumbling and feel really empty, but it doesn't bother me - I can be thinking about food all the time but I know I'm not going to eat it. The second kind is where I'm actually craving food so badly, it's all I can think about, and I feel so close to eating everything I want that it scares me. Does anyone else experience these? I just had one of the 'craving' types and I find them so difficult to deal with. I've been obese for more than 20 years due to food addiction; now it's gone back to the anorexia from my teens, and it would be great to just be in the middle - no extremes, no obsessing over food all the time or insane cravings.

I remember being a little kid and with my older brother, a classmate of mine, and her older brother. My brother said that I weighed a certain amount (I don't think I'm allowed to say what weight), and the older sister immediately said my classmate was lighter. I felt so ashamed and heavy. Looking at healthy weights online (I was a normal, active, healthy kid) I was probably around 5 years old which is crazy. I guess it's always stuck with me, and I remember being obsessed not just with weight but with my height in the years after - I felt too tall, which wasn't the case, as I only realised when our school class were to stand in order of height and I was about halfway down the line.
I did grow more than I wanted to though in my teens, and it always depressed me because I felt like an ugly monster. I thought I could never be pretty because I was too tall.

I know so many of the people on here (and in the 'real world') are teens and twenties, but I'm significantly older than this and my anorexia has been triggered after decades of overeating. I'm still classed as over weight so it's atypical. I just wondered if anyone else is in this same position? It's difficult to feel so alone with it.

I keep watching programmes about obese or anorexic people, and my latest thing is to watch videos about competitive eaters - I'm not sure why that has become a thing for me, but I kind of torment myself with the ones that have food I really want to eat. I'm honestly wasting so much of my time doing it, but I'm alone all the time as I'm mostly housebound (other health problems) and have no company, so that doesn't help.

I went through Anorexia in my teens, then at one point it went onto binge eating and compulsive eating - I realised it made me happier and let me block out a lot of the mental suffering. There was only one short period when I was 39, as it was coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death in the same year I was going to turn 40, where I started restricting again; that didn't last long though and I went back to the overeating.

Now I'm in my late 40s and the Anorexia came back a few months ago, because my mental health and depression got so bad (yes I've tried counselling and other help but nothing works). I'm on my own 24 hours a day most days because of other chronic health problems, and in January I finally lost all hope of getting better, plus I'm still grieving the loss of my mother 2 years ago. I started severely restricting to numb things. Occasionally I start eating more normally (still way under what I should be eating) and when that happens I start to get hungry even more which scares me; so I go back to restricting a lot more. It feels like another form of self-harm on top of the cutting I started again at the same time.

I've lost just over 55 pounds in a few months, but because I'm still overweight (I was obese before this) it's easy to get away with. I get compliments and 'well done' instead, which is fine as I don't want anyone I know to find out. I don't want people trying to make me eat or buying food to tempt me, because the cravings are still bad and I don't trust myself around food. I did tell a couple of 'friends' when I was struggling and just wanted a bit of support, but one is now ignoring me and the other just wanted to talk about their own life; it made me feel silly for bringing it up.

I feel too old and ugly to have Anorexia. But part of me has always wanted it again even after years of overeating. All the 'healthy' diets and ways of eating I've tried for years didn't work because I couldn't stick with them. Only this seems to have worked. I love that I'm getting into smaller clothes and look better, and I seem to feel better on much less calories.

I'm not sure what this post is about, except that not being able to talk to anyone - especially people who will understand - is very difficult. Honestly I wish I'd done it years ago, but it seems like it had to wait until I was completely alone and felt hopeless. I fear losing my willpower. But sometimes it's hard to eat more and that scares me too. Is there anyone else who is older than the typical young Anorexic?