u/Beneficial-Review332

This is tame. I hope it's not offensive. When I was a kid you'd have to get cable to watch anything besides local TV and PBS. The premium movie channels were extra and they'd scramble the picture so you couldn't watch. But.. if you were good with the dials and picture settings you could still see the movies well enough but not couldn't hear them. Theyd be in black and white and the trick on our TV was to adjust the vertical control so you could stop the picture from flipping... It doesn't matter how it worked but that's how I remember it. You had to work for porn then. Since your parents are asleep when you're doing this it's somewhere around midnight. Just in time for after hours programming.. the spicy stuff. So I'm very young Idk, old enough... One thing leads to another and... POP! My first orgasm. Only instead of enjoying the moment like a normal healthy child, It filled me with terrible guilt and shame. And you know who was watching too, which was weird. But all of those little tadpoles with no where to go! They never had a chance! Wasted. I imagined them suffering and dying. It was horrible to think of. Thanks God! It couldn't have just been me that had that reaction. You?

I suppose I tried to avoid ever reaching this point ever since I left over 35 years ago. Do I even need recovery? What would that mean? I was born in and babtised very young. I never really felt a loving connection with God though. God was only a feared figure who the adults assured me if I did everything right would love me. Which actually made sense. I could see that at home easy enough. Like God's love, it was also always just out of reach there. What was it like? Real love? There were other questions too. I had many. Which was part of my problem. What answers were provided to me were never satisfying. I just couldn't help feeling like we were being robbed deep down of so many things. If I could be anyone what would I be? They were always these lofty ideas where whatever I imagined I was always someone famous or adventurous someone people looked up to or admired somehow. I had an audience in my mind for whoever it was I could think up. But I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted to do or be. Besides, that world was only ever going to be a fantasy. To be honest, I didnt like god very much. But that fucker owned my soul and that's just the way it was and would ever be so I'd better try and figure out how to stay on his good side. And if I didn't, life at home would be frightening and miserable. For everyone. But someday I'd get married and get to have a bit of a life and I maybe would like being a jehovas witness. Maybe then God and my father would love me too. Maybe someday it would all make sense. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

So I played the part as best I could. I did try. I think to most others I seemed like a very nice bright quiet polite well mannered boy. And as such, I had access to a little more independence than I would have had otherwise. Which was huge. When I was away from my family I could experience how others lived. Often I'd wished I could be apart of other people's families. And so I'd try and gain favor and spend as much time as I could with them. When I wasn't I was spending most of my time in my imaginary worlds. I was outside my home, exploring the woods and the beaches that always surrounded us in the different places we'd live on the Olympic Penninsula in Washington State. It was a very safe place for kids to run wild. From as soon as I was home from school to as late as I could possibly be out. As soon as the woods started spooking me out like they will as the sun sets. It never stopped. Whether I was inside or out. I was always playing or making things. I was a happy fun loving kid when I was free.

My experience with school was ok for the most part. I did struggle with paying attention. So I wasn't a great student. I had to cheat a lot. I learned to just not fail. In art and physical activity I was pretty talented. More capable. I was hardly ever picked in group activities. And I didn't really understand why. It was always disappointing. It wasn't because I couldnt do well at the games. It was something else. I was just different. Friendly and fun enough but not the same. Those other kids all had plenty of time to bond outside of school. Ways that I was cut off from. By abt half way through middle school I was getting it.

Later after I'd left home and was struggling and homeless this realization was what was the most crushing. I'd never be these people. We could never really relate. They would never understand me. That's when my long struggle with suicidal thoughts began. And it would lead to a serious breakdown and some cognitive damages

I did what I could to hide our differences. I was no longer the quiet kid I once was. I became the disruptive, self depreciating class clown. The martyr of the class. Willing to be their frustrated voice at times and be disciplined for it. But never enough to face serious consequences and the attention of the congregation or my parents. Just enough to test the boundaries and feel my self agency being born.

Maybe things were just different then too. I remember my first instances of trouble in school. And no one ever even notified my parents. One example is my first fight. It was under the climbing gym. Those metal geodesic domes. That's where the fights happened during recess. The Thunder dome. I remember climbing around it inside hanging upside down. I was new there. Hadn't made any friends yet that I remember.

Someone pulled me off the bars and onto the ground. All of the kids started screaming and calling me names and wanting to see a fight. They wouldn't let me get out. The worst was a pretty curly blond girl I had a small crush on who'd lated become my first secret gf. I was terrified . But mostly terrified because I was afraid if I fought id get into trouble with my father. He started grabbing me punching me and that's when it happened. On solid punch, full of fear and rage, straight to the kids face, blood everywhere. The fight was over. The kids let me out and the playground teacher, who I swear I remember was smoking a cigarette told me he was a mean bully. She gave me a little hug and said not to be scared. No one ever found out. Similar things happened throughout adolescence. I seemed to always avoid trouble somehow. Outside the home anyway.

I was soon one of those kids that was always getting spanked. In the kingdom hall bathroom. Or outside where it was probably harder to hear me. Or in the grocery stores. Wherever. I don't know how often it happened or if it was really something that was very common. I've largely forgotten. What I do remember is when my defiance kicked in. Which probably only made it worse. "!Go ahead, that doesn't hurt me". Although most of the time it really did inside. Were you that kid at the hall?

I was encouraged to study with some of the older teenagers who wanted to become ministerial servants. And for awhile it worked. I stopped hanging out with my skateboard friends. Some were jw. Stopped listening to "bad music". I focused on learning the scripture and how to give talks and how to be better in field service . I paid better care of how I dressed. And soon the good girls started flirting with me. So I could start to see a happy future. Things were clicking. I got babtised at 13.

Idk what changed. But it didn't last long. I'd always been drawn to the stage, theatre and acting. The only thing outside of school my parents would allow was dancing. Since my mom wanted to dance the chorus line. So she'd clean the studio and we'd get to take a few classes. I did tap and jazz. I don't think I was ever very good at it but I didn't care. Didn't really like it that much but I got to be on stage. So I would wear the shiny polyester sequined costumes and tap shoes and did my best. Soon as I was in Junior high, Drama was offered. That's where I really started to experience being in someone else's skin for awhile and interacting in their world. I was hooked. And I was pretty good at it.

I'm going on and on and I should try and get to the end. Around that time is when the defiance came back in full force. I was no longer asking for permission. I was telling my parents what I was doing. My mom really. My father was not really involved or around. We were arguing anyway and I was no longer very afraid of him. His mistique had worn off.

A few stories abt him will maybe make this clearer. Once we went fishing while camping as a family. The only time. One misty morning we got up early. Put the rowboat in the water and started fishing. My father caught one trout and we headed back to camp where we packed up and headed home. The family was napping and I woke up to the smell of fish frying. I walked into the kitchen saw that he was cooking, waited a minute, and left. I don't know why but I never imagined I'd get to try it anyway so nothing was said Abt it. Just silent resignation.

After I was Babtised he took me to NYC to visit Bethel. Where he'd wanted me to go. We did do a few other things there together but on a few of those days he'd just give me $20 for food money and let me go get lost in the city if I wanted. Which I did of course. I was 13 and from the sticks. I lived. And really had an amazing time. But that was him.

Once when we started fighting I heard him arguing with my mother in the kitchen about me. I was in bed supposed to be asleep. My mother was I think advocating for me. Which I remember being struck by. And then I heard him say these words " where in the Bible does it say you have to love your children, it only says your children are supposed to obey their parents". That didnt sit well. Yes it hurt but something was irreparably broken now. My father was an elder he'd always wanted to be. I was his problem. The family's problem. It was that night that the true steel in my heart was forged that would make what soon came after possible.

The last straw was this. Id been given a lead role in the high school play as a sophomore with mostly seniors. I'd learned my lines and created my character. My father wouldn't let me miss meetings and so I was replaced. Soon my golden child status was revoked and was no longer the drama teachers pet. I did the best I could but I started drinking and experimenting. Somehow one of my JW friends, who I thought I was friends with, found out and they turned me in. I don't know what they'd heard. I didn't care. They wanted to threaten me and accused me of being gay. I don't remember a letter of disassociation being discussed. They just wanted me to tell them I repented. I did not. They told me how it would be and I told them what I thought instead. That night, I called a friend who had room for me for a little while to come pick me up and I packed a black garbage bag with what I could and walked out. No one in my family said a word. I was then just 15.

My mother passed a few years ago. I had a chance to talk to her before she died. We didn't talk about what happened. I didn't feel it was important. I just told her I loved her and that none of that mattered anymore. I wasn't angry with her. More than anything, I wish we'd had the chance to love one another and talk while we were both still able. She was one of the kindest most self sacrificing, non Judgemental good person I've known. I carry a lot of what she'd given me still.

My father is still alive.. he actually said before she died that he'd be happier if she were to die. Once she did, he was. Shocking! He even wanted to remarry right away. My mother was never really happy with him. He never loved her. She told me as a teenager shed have left if she felt she could. She actually really was in love once. She regretted never having the courage to go after the life she wanted. My mother suffered a great deal of trauma as a child. She was easy pickings for my dad. Who I'm sure is a malignant narcissist. She did leave him when her health was failing. And when we talked she really did sound happy again. I could feel her warm smile that I used to know.

Getting back to the end of my story... Was I excommunicated? Did I run away? I knew the bargain and consequences. I accepted my eternal fate. I bounced around a lot, living off the kindness of strangers and friends and their families. Had little jobs. A room in a few apts. But eventually I dropped out of highschool and started suffering severe debilitating depression like id mentioned earlier. What saved me was discovering myself a little bit at a time. That there were others that would accept me. I first started finding myself again in Alaska and then later hitchhiking, road tripping, hopping freight trains, and falling in love.

Im now almost 49. I've had a few very rich meaningful relationships. I have two beautiful children. I did my best to raise better than I'd been. We love each other. I found a career where I can be paid to be creative. I'm good at it. I'm respected in it. 20 years later and I still love it even if I don't love the industry rn. I work in Film and Television a union Scenic Artist. Painting sets. And now I'm entering yet another chapter in life. With time to reflect and do some healing work I haven't had the tools or time to do.

Till now I have always been terribly embarrassed by my experience as a JW growing up. Ive never been able to talk about it. I avoided even people who had found their way out. It was too close to what I was hurt by. My only way out was to bury it as deep as I could and never look back. Pretend it never happened. I did the existential work to release myself of the fear of been conditioned to believe about the end times. And Im now developing a very deep and personal relationship with spiritually after a long and difficult journey to discover what I actually believe in. I'm very happy to have survived and to have lived the life I have even with the suffering I've been through. It's taught me a great deal about what it is to be alive and fully human and the blessing and mystery of our existence here.

I feel like I'm in AA. Hi I'm Dan and I was once a cult member of the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I've been out of the arena of all of this for so long Idk what y'all are really up to anymore. But even though I reject almost everything I was raised with in the religion, there are a few things I miss. I used to really love going to the conventions to meet new kids from all over, mess around, eat cheese danishes and hoagies, people watch with my binoculars and swim in the motel pool. It was really our only vacation time most of growing up.

There are so many things that could be done in addressing support and education for one another. And I'm sure there are groups of people out there doing things already that I will soon discover. I'm wondering if there is already or if anyone else thinks there's potential to start collectivizing into regions and building something to bring like minded people together in support of one another and maybe start organizing for more political action and awareness as well as whatever else we can do to help people in need within the community.

A convention with various workshops and speakers from historical, spiritual, psychological, healing backgrounds or anything that would be informative and interesting for the community. We could do fun stuff too like pub crawls, trivia, karaoke and why not speed dating even? And we have to do our own baptisms and funny plays. That's a given.

Build up starting small with regular organized meetups wherever we are. Maybe using ones that already exist. Is there a place people can find lists of them in their areas or where they may be visiting already? Each work to create regional events and then really start putting together a regular occurring convention whatever is realistic somewhere (if there isn't already) New Orleans or somewhere fun. Make it accessible online. Maybe do an international one every 5/10 years. It would drive the whole JW system crazy to do a satire themed apostate convention. All the congregations would talk about it and many secretly tune in.

There's got to be enough of us by now. And if not why not build a bigger tent for anyone from cults? Learn about each other that way. Share experiences. Probably more interesting that way anyway and maybe we could all raise awareness and money for charitable causes, organize to take legal action where it's needed together easier through connections and networking. Or many other things. Fund homeless centers for teens and deconstruction spaces. Women's shelters. Transition spaces in general for getting out and on your feet again.

I'd go.

Anyone else know something that's already something someone like me would be interested in? Any other ideas?