What Risks are with taking? Which are worth enduring?
TL;DR I am studying music in college. Teaching and music rely on the acceptance of other people, so transitioning is a huge risk long-term, especially once out of UNT. What transitioning decisions are worth making? (Questions are highlighted below)
I am MTF. I am graduating high school and going into university (UNT) to major in music education.
I am slowly losing the ability to tolerate the sight of my reflection. Selfies I take fill me with regret and shame. My facial hair and body hair are annoyingly fast-growing and thick. My voice is deep and gravelly. I am not, by any sense of the word, passing. I've refused to attempt transitioning. The only gender-affirming efforts I have ever made were immediately shut down by loved ones or others who had significant impact in my life. I would rather not try and pass than try so hard only to continue being judged and ridiculed. That being said, I don't know how much longer I can keep tolerating this exhausting lack of effort.
I am studying to be an educator. My career and life and hobbies involve being around people. The nature of my art (music being directly subject to public opinion) is influenced and dictated by the opinions that others have about me. As much as I would love to say I don't care about what others think of me, as much as I want to listen to people who say "the people who matter won't care," as much as I want to trust those around me, I can't. I am not choosing this path of education because its fun. Its my passion. Its my reason for being. Its my anchor to life and reality. I am not able to be careless about how others think of me when my success (not just financially, but emotionally) is entirely dependent on my external impact and reactions towards my presence.
But this career will (hopefully) last my entire life. There isn't a time when these factors will disappear or lessen. So my question is, how much judgement do i tolerate? How much longer should I wait? How do I plan for the potential severing of important connections due to my transition? Would it be more beneficial to not transition? I would much rather indulge in my passion and give my entire self to the music I enjoy, but not if that doesn't reach anyone. I want to be an educator to spread the joy and wonder and freedom and knowledge of music. I want to inspire musicians all across the world. I want to be the reason for the creation of all passionate artists, musicians, composers, teachers, and all enjoyers of art. I want to be the catalyst for a more colorful world and for truer people and I would hate for that to be taken away because of my self-expression, whether that means students and loved ones avoiding me, or people of power demoting me.
If I do decide to transition, how? When is it too late? (I know, i know "its never too late to transition," but that's not something I will believe until I've seen older trans women happy and at peace with who they are AND what they've experienced as a result. I'm tired of the survival and perseverance ending in acceptance [not peace] and still being seen as the reward for enduring the hatred towards your identity) How do I become comfortable with the awkward in-between stages of gender-affirming care? (Like voice training, make up, fashion, body language if I decide it matters enough to me)
I know this is a lot, so i don't expect many replies, but any response (advice or other) would help more than you know. Thank you.