u/Beginning-Pay-2808

I lost my beautiful dog five days ago. I had her for 9 years she was a month from celebrating her 10th birthday. I got her when I was 20. My boyfriend came into the picture soon after and we became three. She saw our every failure and every win and loved us through it all. We moved into a beautiful new flat with a garden just for her on the 21st of December and she was hospitalised on the 22nd after I took her for a health check at her new vet. I thought she was stressed with the move however she had been battling Cushings and diabetes and we didn’t even know she was unwell. Her vet was amazing and she was stabilised and she came home for Christmas after we learned how to give her insulin injections and set her up with meds. We had two months of caring for her and changing our entire schedules and make sure she was comfortable. I didn’t leave her unless it was to work a shift and my boyfriend works from home so she was rarely left alone at all and If so it would only be for an hour. Then we found out she was going blind and dropping weight. Our vet prepared us for the worst and we had weeks left. We soaked up every single second and memorised every detail of her and took so many photos. We got her a buggy so she could get out for walks and enjoy the time we had left. Then she started putting on weight and was getting healthier and more stable and we had so much hope. Our vet was shocked at how amazing and resilient she was. She was only 3kg and was so tiny. Such a fighter and so stoic. However on Friday I woke up to get her ready for the day and found her panting. She had vomited during the night so I woke my boyfriend up and we rushed her to the emergency vet. Our vet kept her in for tests and gave us the crushing news that she had pancreatitis and her insides were badly inflamed and she was in pain. We decided it wasn’t fair to put her through any more treatment when the chance of it working was so low. We visited her and she was exhausted she was so done with it all. She was barely lifting her head up and still wagged her tail when she seen us however we knew it was time. My family came and we had cuddles and kisses in the sunshine and she managed a little chicken nugget from macdonalds but even then she had lost interest in food. When we were ready we took her back and she took her last breaths in my arms and immediately put her tiny head in my hand as she went. I keep replaying that moment over and over. Was she scared? Did she feel how much we all loved her? Could she still hear us saying what a good girl she was? In the days after I am just broken and barely functioning I cannot get over the fact I will never see her again in this lifetime. All her stuff is waiting for her as she left it as it’s the only way I can pretend she’s around. How do you cope in the aftermath? I don’t want to be here without her it’s destroying me.