I’d like to apologize beforehand for my poor formulation. I’m 18M and have struggled with low Self-esteem for as long as I can remember and have had problems with depression and anxiety since my early teens. I’m graduating from high school in about a month and I’m stuck in this cycle where I genuinely think I’m worthless and that I’m not capable of making anything out of myself despite having decent grades and encouragement from my teachers. I always feel inferior to others my age in every regard; physically, emotionally and intellectually, which is quite interesting since people used to tell me I was very mature for my age when I was younger. I feel like I can’t handle adversity at all and whenever I’m in a situation where I need to act decisively, I simply shut down and others in my life have to intervene. A few weeks ago I nearly attempted suicide and have since then been trying to reflect on my childhood and past experiences in a way that I haven’t really before.
So when I was in kindergarten/early elementary school I was quite the extrovert according to the people who knew me at the time. I seemed to have great confidence and didn’t have any issues stepping outside of my comfort zone to try and make new friends. However, I was quite a hyperactive child and thus difficult to manage (I strongly suspect I have ADHD). At some point one of my kindergarten teachers had enough and started physically assaulting me whenever I refused to sleep or caused some kind of scene. I never told anyone about it since I somehow believed it to be a normal fact of life until I realized that it wasn’t as late as my teens.
This experience caused me to intensely distrust and even fear adult authority figures and just the general school environment. During the 1st grade of school, long after the aforementioned teacher was gone, I started having these hysterical fits where I refused to get dressed almost every morning. My mom, who was desperate and needed to go to work, handled this by pinning me on the ground and sitting on top of me while I was laying face down until I had depleted myself of all energy before driving me to school in my pyjamas, without shoes. This was pretty much my morning routine during my more difficult periods throughout 1st and 2nd grade.
All-in-all I would describe by upbringing as quite decent. Money wasn’t really a persistent issue and I got what I wanted most of time as long as it didn’t require any large effort from my parents and therefore I can’t really compare myself to others who’ve had it way worse. Now there were a few rough moments like when I witnessed my uncle, whom I was close to, relapse into Alcohol abuse and and die of an alcohol-induced stroke. Also it wasn’t always easy growing up with a dad who has extreme anger management issues whom at one point smashed my computer keyboard in my face after I had accidentally woken him up when I got upset over some stupid Roblox game when I was like 12.
Arguably my most traumatic event only occurred last year where I narrowly survived being SA’ed by a stranger during a period where I was trying to spend as much time away from home as possible. I just wanted to mention it despite it not really being relevant to the question since I’ve had most of my problems long before this event occurred.
I’d like to hear if anyone has any words of advice since I’m strongly considering seeking help as I have clearly been repressing my mental health problems for too long.