We lost Pita at the end of November. Its been 5 months and i still cry every single night. Sometimes still randomly mid day. Her passing was so sudden and so cruel. She was only about 8 or 9 (not sure since she was at a shelter). I had her about 5 and a half years and i thought i still had atleast 3 more years with her. We were days away from taking our engagement photos when she got sick. We planned to take photos with her. I had all sorts of plans to involve her in our wedding. I hate that i didnt get to take photos with her, but she got too sick she could barely walk i couldnt bring her to a park to take photos.
I just feel like i have ptsd from her getting sick. I cant wrap my head around how one day she had a random pee accident inside and less than a week later she was mindlessly walking into weird spots in our house and head pressing and not walking straight. We were at the vet every day. They originally said delayed gastric emptying and possible pancreatitis was causing her pain. Then with the circling we admitted her. We thought a brain tumor or stroke would be the diagnosis. But an mri showed inflammation on both sides of the frontal part of her brain. Auto immune encephalitis the neurologist said. It was too much swelling to do a spinal tap.
I spent 10 days driving 40 mins to the animal hospital after work to visit her. She couldnt even sit up the first day. But she slowly showed signs of improvement. The partial blindness she had went away overnight on steroids and chemo. She could walk again but only in circles. She was able to come home. And for 9 more days i worked from home doing 24/7 care with her. She had a padded baby pen set up because she still only circled aimlessly and tried to head press in corners. So many meds to give her throughout the day. I had to hand feed her meals for some of the time. Shed poop and pee on herself. She was only comfortable when the gabapentin and trazadone kicked in and she slept for a bit. I barely slept. Half the time it didnt seem like she even recognized me. But she still showed small improvements. She even pooped outside for the first time one of her last days, a huge win! She wasnt getting worse, but wasnt significantly getting better either.
Im grateful she was around for thanksgiving. We made her eggs and it was the first time i saw her excited all month. She scarfed them down all on her own.
Then 2 days later she had a bit of a cough. She was breathing and eating fine. Wed call the vet on monday. Then she had a seizure at like 4am. Then another small one a half hour later. I said we’ll take her in in the morning i hadn’t slept at all. Then she quickly had another. We knew it was time. We quickly picked her up and me and her cried the entire ride to the hospital. My fiance holding her the whole time. She seized again when we got there. The image and the sound of her cries are burned in my mind. The vets said they gave her rescue meds but they see fluid in her lungs that suggests pneumonia. I knew we had to let her go we were in so much debt from her stays already and now she was suffering but part of me wanted to say, okay so whats the treatment? But i knew i couldn’t. We said our goodbyes and ill never forget for the first time since she got sick i saw her finally feeling peace. I held her head in my lap and watched her eyes soften and body finally release all the tension from the inflammation and her terrible cries faded. She wasnt even able to look at me but i hope she could tell i was there in her final moments.
She was days from her vet follow up appointment. I just kept telling myself we had to make it to that. I asked a higher power just hours from her passing to give me a sign that shed get better or that we needed to let her go. And i got a very clear sign. I felt like i caused her seizures. I know realistically i didnt, but ya know. It all still doesnt feel real. I question everything. Did this happen bc she had a tick a month earlier? What if i had admitted her the first time she went to the ER vs 5 days later? Would that have saved her? Is she mad i didnt spend a lot of time with her on her last day? Is she mad we already have a new puppy and that i immediately started looking for a dog bc i needed something to distract my brain?
Theres been a couple moments ive felt signs from her. Idc if thats stupid. But its the hope i hold onto.
I mostly just needed to let all of this out and im hoping maybe someone else with a dog experiencing something similar will find this and not feel alone. I searched for hours to try to find someone with a similar story and came out empty handed. Please tell me it gets easier?