How to let go of women who center men?
Idk if I’m asking for advice or if this is going to be a long rant/venting session. Either way it will be long, so keep scrolling if you don’t have the patience today.
There is no TL;DR except: I’m done with women who prop up abusive men (at least I want to be… I think?)
I’m currently mourning the loss (again) of my sister. Not literally as she’s still very much alive, but figuratively. She spent the past several years in an extremely abusive marriage. One fraught with violence, terror, financial abuse, psychological abuse and manipulation. We honestly thought she would never leave. Every time there was a new “event” I would think, ok, this has to be the last straw. This has to be her rock bottom. She will wake up, pack her things and leave. I was hopeful many times in those years only to be let down. I accepted that the most likely outcome would be a phone call, telling us he killed her. But finally. Fucking finally the day came. Not even by choice, but because she literally had to flee to escape one of his rage spirals. She got her own apartment, and left him with everything. It was tough but everyone rallied around to support her. To make sure she knew that even though building her life back up would be hard, it would be worth it. And her support system was there every step of the way: financially, morally, emotionally. We hoped the freedom, connecting again with friends and family that were once shut out, would spark new life in her. I was so happy. I finally felt like I had my sister back. For the first time in years we could talk again. Without the lies, without the interruptions. Even though I can’t understand why she still won’t stand up to her ex, by taking back her house (which he is staying in and refusing to let her sell), or why she never reported him to the police. I decided that divorcing him and moving out was a significant step, and I should just help her focus on the things she did right. I had to swallow my opinions. Because they never helped in the past, and I was just happy to have my sister back.
Then I noticed the signs again. Less phone calls, less texting, more withdrawn, more vague. Every one of my spidey senses firing but ignoring them because, no, there is no way. There is literally no fucking possible way after what she’s been through, and now having a taste of freedom, that she would do this again. But there it was. A bright smiling picture of her with another man. Not her most recent ex, but a different one. And by different I only mean technically not the same person. But somehow the same in every way. Another dead beat loser who has moved in with her. Because “he’s going through a lot” (by a lot she means a divorce, custody battle, and restraining order). Because he’s “between jobs”. Because “he had a hard childhood” (and that’s why he’s so socially inept and lacks boundaries). And here I am again. Watching the car crash in slow motion, spending nights without my sister, watching her lay the same path she just walked down. Parallel but with new bricks. And always the same reasons why this guy is different. All the people that were there for her at her lowest, dropped overnight, without a word or an apology.
Somehow I am both paralyzed by disbelief and enraged at the decisions she has made. I’m angry at her for putting everyone through this again, I’m angry at her for having so little self respect, and so little respect for her friends and family who were also victims to her abusers actions. I’m angry at her for throwing this back in everyone’s faces and dropping us like we don’t exist anymore. I’m angry at how her actions have made me less empathetic to all women. I’m angry that I’m more disappointed in her, than I am with these loser men. I’m just so fucking angry.
And here I am venting to internet strangers. Because I can’t even get myself to send her a text. My anger would just come pouring out of me. I would not be able to hold any name calling in, or start listing all the selfish things she’s done. And I know doing so would close the door on our relationship again. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to pretend everything is fine just to keep her in my life like I did last time. The only thing I can rationalize is that she’s an addict. Addicted to love, or abusive men, or toxic relationships, idk. All I can see is the same addict behavior: lying about her new relationship, covering up that he’s living with her, lying about what he does for work, lying about how much money she’s giving him, minimizing his behavioral issues, distancing herself from friends and family. She lies because she knows what she’s doing is wrong. And just like an addict she will try to cover it up, rationalize it, minimize it, and refuse to acknowledge the problem.
I want to cry and scream at the same time. I want to shake her and wake her up from this. And I want to yell at every woman who has stayed in abusive relationships and put their families through absolute hell. I want all the women who prop up abusive men to take accountability. I want a fucking apology for being dropped from her life the moment a new man walks in.
And that’s what I hate most of all. I hate how I see her now, and I hate the angry person I’ve become. All I know is I can’t do this again. And I’m not sure what that means… I don’t want to say goodbye. I just want to cry and I just want her to love herself.
If I close the door on one woman who centers men, am I closing the door on all women?