Massive L post. Possibly the most avoidable tragedy of my life.
About two weeks ago I chaperoned my father to London to see some shows. To say I have a difficult relationship with my father is an understatement, and the trip was one of the most stressful experiences of my recent life. I don't know why I agreed to go. Somewhere in there, like a bolt of lightning, I decided I was going to spend the rest of my life looksmaxxing and getting reconstructive surgeries. In the moment this made perfect sense to me, I was 100% committed to it, and it seemed like the only thing I could ever remember wanting. I've spent the last two weeks feverishly budgeting for hair transplants (still going to do this one tbh), for leg extensions, to have my jaw and browbone reconstructed. I bought bitcoin and used the bitcoin to buy roids. I made a five year plan.
Would it surprise you to know that I look a lot like my dad?
When the time came to tell my girlfriend, I was bursting with excitement, I literally couldn't wait to tell her. It was like I'd unlocked the hidden secret to living a fulfilling life. I gave this whole big presentation about my body image and how I'd always wanted to do all this stuff, and now that I was 29 it was now or never. To assuage her doubts, I recounted the details of the procedures I wanted and had been obsessively researching for days. I described the process for injecting oneself with gear, lest anyone think I hadn't thought this through. It was like I was selling her a timeshare, relentless passion and energy.
Somewhere in there I realised how I felt wasn't remotely normal, and the glow dimmed away and I wondered what the fuck I was talking about, why I was saying any of this. But it was done. She made some halfhearted gestures of support, but honestly I was returning to sanity quick enough to know what was going to happen next. Today she gave me a big talk about how I had to work through a lot of issues with my body image, how she needed stability, and how I didn't seem like I was going to be able to provide that. In my defence, I was pretty straight about how this was some kind of stress-induced delusion which I had since completely changed my mind about, aware that this looked like a desperate attempt to backtrack which is exactly how she took it. That answer didn't make me seem any more stable, come to think of it.
I've had some pretty big fumbles in my time but this is exceptional. There was no need to do any of this. I shot a perfectly good relationship for something I have literally never thought or cared about outside the last two weeks. I'm embarrassed beyond belief, it's unbelievable. It's still ringing in my ears. I've had a few delusional episodes before, but I usually recognised them pretty early and contained myself. This time I was operating completely outside of reality, I genuinely believed I was going to spend the next ten years of my life systematically bogging myself and that this was what I'd always wanted. It was the only thing I could think about, I could hardly sleep. I spent the last two weeks walking with an exaggerated "Chad Walk" - a kind of ridiculous, straight-backed, chimpanzee swagger. Deepening my voice. I wish this was a bit but it's not. I went to work acting like this. It's easily the most embarrassing thing I've ever done in my life.
Relationships end. I'm a big boy, that's not so sore for me. What gets me is that it ended for such an avoidable and completely ridiculous reason. I've been laughing about it because that's all you can do, but inside I can't believe the past fortnight really happened. I wish I was joking. I cannot believe I actually got myself dumped over this.