I wake up at 5:38 am. I’m disoriented and convinced I don’t know where I am. I rub my eyes and think… that’s right, I’m at my brother’s house; I live here now; my cat Fish is around somewhere.
I have a final exam tomorrow.
I manage to doze off for a few more hours, but by 7:30 I am out of bed, dressed, and out the door. I treat myself to Dutch Bro’s because, well, I have a final exam tomorrow, and I can’t imagine a life past tonight so why would I need money?
I head off for my childhood home, which sits completely empty, waiting to be sold. My dad died nearly four years ago, and mom ran into some financial troubles, which culminated in a “family” decision to sell the house and downsize. I lived with my mom in my childhood home, which meant I was getting evicted until mom could buy a new house. So I moved in with my brother and his fiancée, and my mom moved in with her mom. The house hits the market on Friday.
“Carpet cleaner!” I say, approaching my exit. I call my mom and ask if she has enough money for me to rent a carpet cleaner from Home Depot for the day. She says yes, and that there’s also enough for me to get lunch and to pay for my therapy appointment later.
My car is nearly empty. I don’t get gas.
I have a final exam tomorrow.
I get to my childhood home around 10:00. I clean the basement carpet and mop the upstairs bedrooms; we hired cleaners to clean last Friday, and, as well as robbing us, they did a pretty poor job. But we have showings on Friday already; it has to get done.
Around noon I have a mini-breakdown. I smoked a little weed and lay on the floor of my empty bedroom and tried to stop my chest from caving in. Mom’s bathroom needs mopped. I mop it.
It’s 3:15. My car is on empty. I put $10 of gas into it. That was 12% of all of my money.
I go to therapy at 4:00. She asks how I am; I stare into my lap and mumble “fine.” Later, I ask if I can put my shoes on her couch; she says yes. I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them. I stay like that for the rest of the session.
At 4:57 I get out of therapy. I cry on the drive back to the Loveland house. I haven’t cried in months.
I get back to my brother’s house around 8:30. I smoke weed. I cry in bed. I’m informed that my cat’s litter box in my room stinks. I have tried for a month and half and spent over $200 to try and fix it. I smoke more weed.
It’s 9:54 now. I’m lying in bed, high, tired, lost.
I have a final exam tomorrow.
I have not studied.