Im feeling pretty shit right now. I’ve wasted the last 3 years of my life trying to escape the academic responsibilities I have faced. Trying to turn my eyes away from the failure I am devolving into. Trying to hide from the shadow I am casting onto my future. It started pretty gradually. I thought, Ive been banned from gaming and fun for as long as I remember, I want to prove my parents wrong, that I can , if I put my mind to it, play games and get good grades.
I failed. I failed in the first semester. Linear algebra rocked my shit and I hid. I played my games and told myself I could pull a miracle. I failed my “easy” classes. I failed linear algebra. My emergency drop saved my own sense of self. I told myself I dived into the deep end, that I was not prepared enough for Linear Algebra, that I had failed to lay the foundation for success and that it wasn't my fault I didn't attend classes, never read the textbook and holed up in my dorm playing games all day.
I used social skills as an excuse. “Im making connections” I told myself, and in reality, I was. I was in club leadership, I was attending gatherings and getting to know new people. But in the end, it didn't matter. Gaming consumed me, the desire to escape my own failures. To hide from my own degeneracy. I tried to pretend everything was fine. It wasn't. I lied to friends and family about my spiral. I told them I had things under control long after I broke apart. I created a pixel perfect facade where I spent all my effort pretending things were fine while continuing to play games non stop every waking minute. I thought I would learn and fix my life the next semester, that I would turn a new leaf. It was naive, and worse yet, a lie I never believed in.
I failed. Im a 2nd semester Junior. I got into a prestigious university, transferred into a lucrative major, and with everything handed to me on a silver platter. I still found a way to fuck it up. Every semester, I end with worse grades and less effort. Up until now, I have always attended mandatory lectures. This semester marks the first where I have skipped 2 classes with mandatory attendance. Both classes could be passed with just attendance and participation and I, by not going have failed myself, my future, my family who pays for everything, my grandparents who think I am doing well.
I know how to succeed but I dont know why I am not taking it. Chasing cheap motivation, secon long reforms. Even now I know I will go back to gaming as I fail every class I am enrolled in. A first. Help.