I 19F have always felt distanced from people on a deeper level. I feel like there's always some unspoken nuances or something special in relationships and communication in general that everyone else was just born knowing, while I feel like a sub human creature trying to decipher everything and it is my first day on earth.
I don't think this for no reason, people tell me often or I hear them saying, that I come off 'cold' or 'intimidating' or don't speak much. I have tried to fix this by trying to look more put together with makeup and clothes, and speaking more with people and trying to smile 'naturally' but my mom has told me recently that am making my extended family uncomfortable with my behaviour (as in I seem unfriendly), so I don't even know what to do anymore.
I have come to also realize that if and when I do get closer to somebody, I get freaked out and start distancing myself. If that doesn't happen first, and instead they are doing something that upsets me or vice versa, I don't even try to communicate it properly because I am so scared of any confrontations and assume my whole existence in their life is a bother, so causing trouble for them like that is just too far or they just don't care anyway.
This has led me to end many friendships just because I would stop talking to them and ghost them despite still being connected to them online, including one where we were friends our whole lives but I have ghosted her now because there were some issues I had with our relationship but I didn't want to resolve anything and only started to resent her. I do realize how idiotic I sound.
I used to be more desperate to make friends and talk to people but it always seemed that people had better friends or they'd judge me or keep me around to feel better about themselves by making snide comments as 'jokes'. Now exposing myself and feelings to people at all feels humiliating, even with mature adults.
I still have desires for connection but the most I can bear to do is read fanfictions or play romance games since middle school. I've even been imagining myself in an imaginary friend group with an imaginary romantic partner by using fictional characters, it's so bad and sad that I often need them in my mind to deal with my fears. Now everyone thinks I'm an airhead because I'm zoned out pretty often, and I guess they are right.
I wish sometimes I could be more normal and go have fun like people my age but I'm starting to think I can't. Sorry if this is all nonsensical or melodramatic but it is how I feel.